Of course that body found in Georgia wasn't mine. Come on, guys! You know me. I'm more clever than that. I'm crafty. I know what I'm doing and when I go, I'm not going to leave my body in some place that guys like this can find me. 

If you find me, I want you to know it's cause I want to be found.

So when these guys start parading around this other sasquatch body, claiming it's mine, I get upset. I get annoyed. I get ANGRY, OK? That's not me. I don't even LIKE Georgia. I'm more of an northern Apalachia kind of wood-ape.

That's my cousin Denise.

Denise was never the smartest of the sasquatch family. Her IQ was well below what we consider that of a functioning adult. She learned a bit about hiding, but only about as much as a four-year-old would have. As sasquatches, that's sort of our thing. Hiding. We're into it. 

I think that the big thing for me now is that my family, we're all pretty upset about Denise getting herself killed in a place where her body could be found. Other sasquatches have, of course, died in the past, but we've always known how to die in a special way where our body will never be found by the countless scientists who infest the wooded areas we like to hide in. This was a skill that Denise lacked. Still, she was family.

We'd like the body returned so we can hold a proper Christian funeral. And if you can't do that, at least stop showing coverage of her death on CNN. It's rude.