I was greatly distressed when Hillary told me that I need to dial down the combative tone of my rhetoric. I am the only candidate running who has been elected President, and it’s my experience that you can’t be afraid to get down in the mud no matter the cost of your pantsuit.

But to please the wife (it’s that time of the campaign, if you know what I mean) I will concede that I may have misspoken in reference to Senator Obama on two occasions.

First, I agree that the junior senator from Illinois opposed the war from the outset, just as John Kerry and Turncoat Ted Kennedy would have opposed my ordering an invasion of Ireland or Rome.

Also I should not have referred to his campaign as the biggest fairy tale of all time. I should have called it the worst Shaft movie ever.

This message is sponsored by Bill Clinton: The once and future King of America.