My dearest Fidel:

Now that Raul is President for “Until-I-Don’t-Wanna-No-More,” you are eligible for membership in the ex-world leaders club. We meet once a month at an abandoned theater in Branson Montana. Pull that anti-capitalist stick out of your ass and come on up.

We have the best liquor, the best escorts, and now the best cigars. We get drunk, get laid, and slam our successors. (I’ve seen Raul’s school records, you should have plenty of material.) Be warned: Thatcher is all hands when she drinks, H.W Bush gets gassy after nachos, and Tony Blair sucks at Pictionary. Please don’t tell Putin (such a drag.)

And by all means, bring Eli Gonzalez, I would love to catch up.