It's hard to believe that just eight short years ago I was America's first black president, and now I'm being called a racist.

Just because I sent my grandma "Mammaw" a funny postcard showing a stereotypical black boy eating watermelon, does that make me a racist? Heck, no. So I decided to take a home racism test, sort of like a home pregnancy test, to see if I'm a racist. And I'm happy to report that the results came back negative. Here's how I did:

Play saxophone? Yes, 5 points. Sound more like Boots Randolph than Charlie Parker, deduct three points.

Eat fast food? Yes, 5 points. Jog there instead of driving Cadillac Escalade, deduct two points.

Raised by single mom? Yes, 5 points. Single mom white, deduct one point.

Wife has big booty? Yes, 5 points. Plenty of girlfriends on the side, add ten points.

Total score: 24 points! That's better than Al Sharpton did! That's the kind of weighted GPA that can get you into Georgetown and Yale Law School.

Unless you're black, in which case you only need to score like, 19.