Facebook CEO, Mark Zuckerberg’s constant apologizing has gotten out of hand. So what if Facebook alerts your network with an advert every time you purchase a tube of Vagasil? Making sure your friends know about the wide range of anti-fungals currently available is important.

Imagine what a disaster it would be, if I apologized every time someone’s computer lost an excel file or got a virus. I called to tell Zucker this, but he was busy practicing the third form for his underwater yoga class. He sounded a bit rushed, but suggested I give contrition a try. “Bill, it’s very relaxing to apologize,” he said. “It will really help your chi.”

Why not. I’ll try anything but an iPhone once:

I always hear people talking about all the good deeds done by my foundation, but when was the last time you’ve heard about the generosity of plain old me? I know what you’re thinking — Bill probably just set up that foundation so he doesn’t have to feel guilty about yachting around the world, eating every meal at a five-star restaurant, and taking extravagant hunting trips where you don’t stop shooting till you’ve got one of each African mammal.

But that’s only half true.

For instance, just the other day I gave Maria, our laundry lady, five thousand dollars worth of stock options for helping me with a new invention. $5000 is a lot for Maria because she’s from Guatemala. Where she’s from, no one even has a laundry machine. Because of this, she used to get in trouble for forgetting to check my pockets for stray pens. Once, she ruined a whole load of clothes the night before I was about to go on vacation. All my cool travel socks were stained, and I had to buy some replacements from a magazine shop at the SeaTac airport, which made me look like someone from Iowa waiting in the line to ride Space Mountain.

Microsoft is getting back to its creative roots now that we purchased Euro-Facebook. I can’t tell you all the details, but here are some of the new apps we’re planning for the EU market:

Across the Atlantic, the website will employ innovative olfactory technology, releasing a complex algorithm of espresso, cigarette smoke, and B.O. pheromones through that stupid mac camera hole.

We’ve also built a special Facebook translator-widget that automatically changes words. For instance, “a quarter pounder with cheese” written stateside will show up in the Belgium as a “royal with cheese.” If you send the same message to France, Microsoft will save you the embarrassment of having to confess to such a continental palate by rewriting your message: “Nothing much, just a quarter of duck confit.”

Oh yah, we’ve decided to completely disable the poking feature in the Mediterranean countries.

Associated Press

I was nervous as heck about the interview I had to do with USA TODAY. I was worried they’d run an unflattering pie chart comparing sales of our new MP3 player, the Zune, with the iPod. Mercifully, they did not and just asked how the new player works. I pulled out a new Zune and said:

This is cool as heck. I’m finding music I haven’t seen in 20 years. Hey, the Lovin’ Spoonful? They’re in this thing.

Did that come off cool enough? Hopefully all those MP3 loving youngsters are going to like that allusion to the Spoonful. Mark Zuckerberg tells me old bands are hip like “Facebook poking” or wearing those vintage western shirts with the shiny buttons over the pockets.

via teath4james.com

Take James Razsa from Kennebunkport who cleans the pool of the former president George Herbert Walker Bush. He just set up a website “Teath4James” asking for donations to cover a $3000 dental surgery.

I work roughly 45 hours a week at $9 dollars per hour, after tax that’s $7.50, $300 dollars a week, $1200 a month… I’m not a leech and have never asked for help but now I need it, or I will lose my teeth.

Associated Press

When I found out this morning that I owe the EU $690 million, I told Melinda that we’re going to have to stop ordering appetizers and desserts for a while.

Associated Press

I wasn’t surprised to hear that some 17-year-old, who struck a deal with CertiCell, was able to crack the code preventing the iPhone from being used without an AT&T calling plan. At Microsoft we have been using creative incentive structures (or as I like to call them “prizes”) to get our toughest coding jobs done by outsourced workers for years.