Those Google searchtards–I should have bought them out when I had the chance. Did you know they’re giving away all their software for free now? If they bundle all that stuff into Gmail, how am I supposed to get people to use my brilliant new version of Microsoft Office? (Honest to God, it’s the sexiest word processor I have ever seen since the first version of WordPerfect). It’s completely unfair. Even if we wanted to give our stuff away, no one would bite. I mean, nobody has opened a Hotmail account in six months. Six months!

And last night, when I got home a little early, I caught Jennifer Katherine using Firefox. Goddammit, in my own 6000-room house! As I opened the door to her room, I saw her Alt+Tab the Mozilla window. I can’t prove it, but I saw what I saw.