Something very newsworthy happened on the Factor last week, something big. The Reverend Jesse Jackson, a so-called "leader" for the African American community, whispered that offensive insult to whoever that other guy was...that other older African American gentleman...who listened but didn't really react to it. I don't even think he heard Jackson, but didn't want him to feel bad and make him say it again.

Just to refresh your memory, here's the infamous moment. It's hard for me to watch this again.



A lot of people criticized me for airing the clip, saying that ratings are more important then integrity. Do you know how hard it was to air this clip? Incredibly.

Many of us at the fair and balanced network of Fox didn't know what to do. Many of us were shocked. But I consider myself a loving, God-fearing man who loves his country. So I revealed to this country that I love so dearly, the truth, albeit harsh and offensive.

It makes me shiver to think what this man says when there isn't a microphone on him. It's sick. Just to make sure we all know what I'm talking about, however, here's the clip again. I can barely watch anymore:



 

As viewers of the Factor know, I do not coddle. I've written often about my working class Levittown background and I stand firm that what I wrote had truth to it. So when I read about penguins being effected by climate change and fishing habits, I become skeptical, America. Very, very skeptical.

Let's start out with what's obvious. Penguins being effected by global climate change? They live in Antarctica!  Even if it is getting a bit warmer, that can only help them. 

The Times tells us that breeding pairs have decreased by 22 percent since 1987, well maybe they're just not working hard enough at getting laid? My breeding pairs have increased by at least 22 percent since 1987, and do you know why?  Because I recognized that there was a problem, so I became a celebrity and started getting girls. If penguins are to become a part of this society that we take seriously, they've got to start that by taking some personal responsibility.

And let's not forget one more thing. Do you know where penguins live? Antarctica. I'm here in America. I don't see the connection! Take a look at this penguin and tell me what's wrong with the picture:

That's right. He's gotten so fat and lazy from American aid packages that he can't even sit up!

So another foot washed up in Canada today.  That makes six. Won't these Canadians learn feet don't grow on trees?

Here's the thing. In Canada, you can have your foot reattached for free. No cost to you. So why not cut your foot off? What have you got to lose? An afternoon?

Those people up North make me sick. They simply don't appreciate the freedoms we Americans would enjoy from universal health care if we had them. If we wanted them. Which we don't.

I don’t often apologize, but that’s mostly because I’m so rarely wrong about anything. But lately I’ve been beginning to fear for the safety of the world because of how good a journalist I am. Everyone has watched helplessly as thousands have died in Myanmar over the past couple days and I…this is hard…I want to apologize.

At first, I like many of you, cursed the heavens for this great disaster, wondering how God could let this happen to so many innocent people in a country already ravaged by military dictatorship and oppression. But then it hit me. Last week I added myself to the ranks of historic television when I performed what is unarguably the greatest television interview in the history of mankind in what has become known as the O’Reilly-Clinton Debates (suck it Frost). A week later thousands are dead in Myanmar from what the islamofascistjewyorktimes-ists have labeled a natural disaster. But I think we all know what’s really going on here. The shock waves from my life-altering interview culminated in the cyclone that ravaged Myanmar.

Ordinarily the idea that my journalism was so powerful and moving that it could literally destroy villages halfway around the globe would be dismissed as egotistical megalomaniacal delusions of grandeur, but did you see my Hill-dog interview?? I mean, Christ, I should have seen this coming. Do you remember when I called her a socialist? That was powerful stuff. Too powerful. I have learned my lesson. With great power comes great responsibility. So to the citizens of Myanmar I apologize – not for being responsible for the single greatest moment in television, but because the reverberations from my booming, omniscient, integrity-laden, yet avuncular and compassionate voice have caused so much death and destruction. I should have realized that Myanmar wasn’t a no-spin zone and was thus susceptible to cyclones.

Close your eyes. I want you to imagine something. Are they closed? Ok, now picture my reaction when I came across the story about the abortion art project girl.

First I just screamed for about 20 minutes, taking minimal breaks to gasp for air. Then I transfered my anger to the computer, the device that was messenger to the worst thing that's ever been done or said or thought. I punched the computer in it's screen, then poured water over the keyboard.

Then I smiled sort of devious-like upon realizing I had two weeks of golden material for the Factor. Finally I held a vigil for all the beautiful barely-fertilized embryos, because even fetuses are Americans too. ™

But today we find out this art school dinglelingus (a word I made up meaning the worst possible thing in the world) may have fabricated the story to spark dialogue on the mythology of the body. It's kind of funny how gay and stereotypically non-substantive that artsy bullshit reason sounds.

Still, we can't completely fault this girl for trying to start a dialogue. Once in college, I too, created an art project to fire up some discourse.

You know, folks, the liberal media and the secular progressive movement has always tried to paint traditionalists like myself, and like many of you Factor watchers out there, as being a stubborn group of people who are set in our ways. They say that you average folks out there don't think for yourselves, okay? Well, of course that's total malarkey, which is exactly what we've all come to expect from these left wing bozos. It turns out, you can teach an old dog new tricks, especially when it comes down to social issues.

The proof? Yours truly.

That's right, even your humble correspondent can change his mind. And I've changed my tune on an issue that is very important to me and it's an issue that I'll be working hard to make an important one in this upcoming election. Okay?

Last year, I wrote a very important book called "Kids Are Americans Too". The book, which, thanks to you folks, is the #1 Bestselling Kids Book of all time, okay, and which won a Peabody, was written for the youngsters in this nation and was filled with some great stuff to help smart, Factor-watching young people navigate the scary secular society in which we are all forced to live. The book tackled some pretty heavy subject matter, including:

• How to help your gay friend un-gay himself.
• Understanding that subservience to authority is cool, okay.
• Does mom have the right to listen in on improper, possibly illegal sexy conversations you may be having with your television producer?
• What, exactly, qualifies as sexual harassment?
•  What, exactly, qualifies as a falafel?

Well, folks, it turns out, one of the ideas that I presented in that book is dead wrong, and you Factor fans know that because I'm looking out for you, I'll be the first person to admit that I made an innocent mistake, which will be corrected in the next edition. I know that the Nazi fascists over at Media Matters and Huffington Post will probably accuse me of "flip-flopping", but that's just because they want to destroy me, because they hate all of you who tune in to the Factor as well as America in general. But we all know this already, okay?

So, the next time you and your young Factor fans snuggle up on the couch together with some cocoa to read "Kids Are Americans Too", I'd like you all to please keep in mind the following correction: Kids are not Americans too.

Hate speech is wrong. Always. It is pathetic and reduces potentially productive political discourse to inane and vicious slander. End of discussion.

New discussion: Arianna Huffington is a bitch. And probably a lesbian anyways. An angry, angry lesbian who resents her father who is a probably a dick. I also stand by my earlier statements that there is no "difference between Arianna Huffington and the Nazis." The Nazis were a fascist party led by a madman whose goals included racial purification through genocide and world domination. Arianna Huffington runs a liberal online newspaper. That’s just one of the many ways in which they are exactly the same. I could go on for hours.