Bill O'Reilly’s Blog

This cable TV talking head hates everyone fairly and with balance. A nascent children's crime fiction author and seasoned phone sex fetishist isn't just about jumping to conclusions and biting off his guests' heads ... oh wait, no he is. "The O'Reilly Factor" is the feather in Fox's infotainment cap, and its host's popularity has led to books (Culture Warrior), election specials and, yes, commemorative mugs.

No more handouts, penguins!

By Bill O'Reilly

As viewers of the Factor know, I do not coddle. I've written often about my working class Levittown background and I stand firm that what I wrote had truth to it. So when I read about penguins being effected by climate change and fishing habits, I become skeptical, America. Very, very skeptical.

Let's start out with what's obvious. Penguins being effected by global climate change? They live in Antarctica!  Even if it is getting a bit warmer, that can only help them. 

The Times tells us that breeding pairs have decreased by 22 percent since 1987, well maybe they're just not working hard enough at getting laid? My breeding pairs have increased by at least 22 percent since 1987, and do you know why?  Because I recognized that there was a problem, so I became a celebrity and started getting girls. If penguins are to become a part of this society that we take seriously, they've got to start that by taking some personal responsibility.

And let's not forget one more thing. Do you know where penguins live? Antarctica. I'm here in America. I don't see the connection! Take a look at this penguin and tell me what's wrong with the picture:

That's right. He's gotten so fat and lazy from American aid packages that he can't even sit up!

Universal health care means more severed feet

By Bill O'Reilly

Bio & Blog

So another foot washed up in Canada today.  That makes six. Won't these Canadians learn feet don't grow on trees?

Here's the thing. In Canada, you can have your foot reattached for free. No cost to you. So why not cut your foot off? What have you got to lose? An afternoon?

Those people up North make me sick. They simply don't appreciate the freedoms we Americans would enjoy from universal health care if we had them. If we wanted them. Which we don't.

If only Myanmar had been a no-spin zone...

By Bill O'Reilly

Bio & Blog

I don’t often apologize, but that’s mostly because I’m so rarely wrong about anything. But lately I’ve been beginning to fear for the safety of the world because of how good a journalist I am. Everyone has watched helplessly as thousands have died in Myanmar over the past couple days and I…this is hard…I want to apologize.

At first, I like many of you, cursed the heavens for this great disaster, wondering how God could let this happen to so many innocent people in a country already ravaged by military dictatorship and oppression. But then it hit me. Last week I added myself to the ranks of historic television when I performed what is unarguably the greatest television interview in the history of mankind in what has become known as the O’Reilly-Clinton Debates (suck it Frost). A week later thousands are dead in Myanmar from what the islamofascistjewyorktimes-ists have labeled a natural disaster. But I think we all know what’s really going on here. The shock waves from my life-altering interview culminated in the cyclone that ravaged Myanmar.

Ordinarily the idea that my journalism was so powerful and moving that it could literally destroy villages halfway around the globe would be dismissed as egotistical megalomaniacal delusions of grandeur, but did you see my Hill-dog interview?? I mean, Christ, I should have seen this coming. Do you remember when I called her a socialist? That was powerful stuff. Too powerful. I have learned my lesson. With great power comes great responsibility. So to the citizens of Myanmar I apologize – not for being responsible for the single greatest moment in television, but because the reverberations from my booming, omniscient, integrity-laden, yet avuncular and compassionate voice have caused so much death and destruction. I should have realized that Myanmar wasn’t a no-spin zone and was thus susceptible to cyclones.

Abortion art project girl - AHHHHHH!

By Bill O'Reilly

Bio & Blog

Close your eyes. I want you to imagine something. Are they closed? Ok, now picture my reaction when I came across the story about the abortion art project girl.

First I just screamed for about 20 minutes, taking minimal breaks to gasp for air. Then I transfered my anger to the computer, the device that was messenger to the worst thing that's ever been done or said or thought. I punched the computer in it's screen, then poured water over the keyboard.

Then I smiled sort of devious-like upon realizing I had two weeks of golden material for the Factor. Finally I held a vigil for all the beautiful barely-fertilized embryos, because even fetuses are Americans too. ™

But today we find out this art school dinglelingus (a word I made up meaning the worst possible thing in the world) may have fabricated the story to spark dialogue on the mythology of the body. It's kind of funny how gay and stereotypically non-substantive that artsy bullshit reason sounds.

Still, we can't completely fault this girl for trying to start a dialogue. Once in college, I too, created an art project to fire up some discourse.

I'm man enough to admit a mistake

By Bill O'Reilly

Bio & Blog

You know, folks, the liberal media and the secular progressive movement has always tried to paint traditionalists like myself, and like many of you Factor watchers out there, as being a stubborn group of people who are set in our ways. They say that you average folks out there don't think for yourselves, okay? Well, of course that's total malarkey, which is exactly what we've all come to expect from these left wing bozos. It turns out, you can teach an old dog new tricks, especially when it comes down to social issues.

The proof? Yours truly.

That's right, even your humble correspondent can change his mind. And I've changed my tune on an issue that is very important to me and it's an issue that I'll be working hard to make an important one in this upcoming election. Okay?

Last year, I wrote a very important book called "Kids Are Americans Too". The book, which, thanks to you folks, is the #1 Bestselling Kids Book of all time, okay, and which won a Peabody, was written for the youngsters in this nation and was filled with some great stuff to help smart, Factor-watching young people navigate the scary secular society in which we are all forced to live. The book tackled some pretty heavy subject matter, including:

  • How to help your gay friend un-gay himself.
  • Understanding that subservience to authority is cool, okay.
  • Does mom have the right to listen in on improper, possibly illegal sexy conversations you may be having with your television producer?
  • What, exactly, qualifies as sexual harassment?
  •  What, exactly, qualifies as a falafel?

Well, folks, it turns out, one of the ideas that I presented in that book is dead wrong, and you Factor fans know that because I'm looking out for you, I'll be the first person to admit that I made an innocent mistake, which will be corrected in the next edition. I know that the Nazi fascists over at Media Matters and Huffington Post will probably accuse me of "flip-flopping", but that's just because they want to destroy me, because they hate all of you who tune in to the Factor as well as America in general. But we all know this already, okay?

So, the next time you and your young Factor fans snuggle up on the couch together with some cocoa to read "Kids Are Americans Too", I'd like you all to please keep in mind the following correction: Kids are not Americans too.

Hate speech is wrong but Arianna Huffington needs to die

By Bill O'Reilly

Bio & Blog

Hate speech is wrong. Always. It is pathetic and reduces potentially productive political discourse to inane and vicious slander. End of discussion.

New discussion: Arianna Huffington is a bitch. And probably a lesbian anyways. An angry, angry lesbian who resents her father who is a probably a dick. I also stand by my earlier statements that there is no "difference between Arianna Huffington and the Nazis." The Nazis were a fascist party led by a madman whose goals included racial purification through genocide and world domination. Arianna Huffington runs a liberal online newspaper. That’s just one of the many ways in which they are exactly the same. I could go on for hours.

I assure you there are no homeless vets

By Bill O'Reilly

Bio & Blog

Every time I say absolutely anything, as innocuous as it might be, the liberal media craps their pants, sticks their fingers in it, then smells their fingers and then tells me that my shit stinks. Well, I’ve had enough. This whole homeless veterans thing has been a HUGE misunderstanding.

When John Edwards said there were 200,000 homeless vets, what I thought he meant was that there were 200,000 homeless veterinarians, not veterans. If I had known he had meant veterans, I wouldn’t have disagreed at all.

vet.jpg
Photo by Chuckumentary via Flickr

There are tons of homeless veterans. There’s one that lives outside my favorite coffee shop. Sometimes I kick him. Other times I listen to his stories about the wars he’s been. He says he fought in Vietnam, World War II, the Civil War, and several other wars against aliens that I didn’t even know about. The man is a freakin hero, and I support him and his homelessness. I’m all about homeless veterans. I wish there were more homeless veterans so we could see them even more often and celebrate the beauty of their existence. I wish there was a homeless veterans parade. It would stink of filthy patriotism for miles, and it would be glorious.

Veterinarians on the other hand are soulless, avaricious, sadistic creatures spawned directly from Satan’s taint.

HvB: Whoever wins ... we lose

By Bill O'Reilly

Bio & Blog

I’ve decided to start working on a screenplay. Those of you who are fans of mine (read: patriotic Americans) know that I have already dabbled in literature, and now I think it’s time to move to the silver screen. Without further ado, I present to you the beginnings of a masterpiece:

hvb.jpg


EXT. AN UNEXPLAINABLE PYRAMID — NOT-SO-DISTANT FUTURE

After picking up an unusually strong electromagnetic signal coming from the mid-west, a team of archaeologists discovers a mysterious pyramid. They enter the pyramid

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN:
The signal seems to be coming from inside this room here.

The team moves through the labyrinth-like maze within the pyramid towards a door marked with unintelligible symbols.

IDIOT SCIENTIST WHO IS OBVIOUSLY GOING TO DIE SOON:
Help me get this door open!

Don't you know FOX has journalistic immunity

By Bill O'Reilly

Bio & Blog

ap080107033898.jpg
Associated Press

The liberal Islamonazicommiehomojewyorktimes-ists (trust me it’s catching on) running the media have been making a big stink about my little battle royale at last Saturday’s Obama rally in New Hampshire. Frankly, though, folks I don’t know what the big deal is. Obviously most members of the media don’t understand the concept of journalistic immunity. It’s very simple, it means I’m immune to all law and can do anything I want.

It means when I don’t like someone who is standing in front of me, I’m allowed to beat the shit out of them. It means when I go out into my yard and a dog is looking at me funny, I can kick it. It means when attractive women work near me, I can call them at their home and leave messages about wanting to shove falafel in their vagina. It’s called freedom of the press and it’s in the declaration of independence. Or constitution, I always get the two mixed up. The point is the press is allowed to do whatever it wants. If we don’t protect the press, then this democracy will crumble.

Let there be light Robo-Grinch

By Bill O'Reilly

Bio & Blog

robogrinch.jpg

The Lord knows I’m not one to hold grudges against people, but the Lord also knows that Al Gore isn’t a person. He’s a genetically modified cyborg sent back from the future to destroy America and ruin Christmas. I like to call him Robo-Grinch and his message of death to global warming inspired what might be the greatest tragedy to hit this country since 9/11.

Just last week Great Barrington, Massachusetts, voted in favor of having all Christmas lights shut off by 10pm to conserve energy and save the planet. Well I have bad news for you Great Barrington, there won’t be a planet if we don’t appease Yahweh. God is like a big child, and Christmas lights are God’s nightlight. Without those lights after 10pm He’ll lie awake in his bed quivering with fear that vampires and werewolves will tear Him apart because we let Him watch too many violent movies. Hollywood is destroying our children, and that includes God.

Imagine a world where all the lights go out at 10pm. Doctors forced to use their sense of touch to perform operations on the wrong patients. Thousands die. Air Traffic controllers can no longer use their once-brightly lit computer screens to coordinate flight landings. Thousands die. Secret detention prisons can no longer connect their nipple tasers. Thousands die.

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