Every time I say absolutely anything, as innocuous as it might be, the liberal media craps their pants, sticks their fingers in it, then smells their fingers and then tells me that my shit stinks. Well, I’ve had enough. This whole homeless veterans thing has been a HUGE misunderstanding.

When John Edwards said there were 200,000 homeless vets, what I thought he meant was that there were 200,000 homeless veterinarians, not veterans. If I had known he had meant veterans, I wouldn’t have disagreed at all.

Photo by Chuckumentary via Flickr

There are tons of homeless veterans. There’s one that lives outside my favorite coffee shop. Sometimes I kick him. Other times I listen to his stories about the wars he’s been. He says he fought in Vietnam, World War II, the Civil War, and several other wars against aliens that I didn’t even know about. The man is a freakin hero, and I support him and his homelessness. I’m all about homeless veterans. I wish there were more homeless veterans so we could see them even more often and celebrate the beauty of their existence. I wish there was a homeless veterans parade. It would stink of filthy patriotism for miles, and it would be glorious.

Veterinarians on the other hand are soulless, avaricious, sadistic creatures spawned directly from Satan’s taint.

I recently purchased a beautiful female pitbull, whom I named Hillary. (Each presidential election season, I buy a new pet and name it after a candidate. Unfortunately, recently they haven’t been doing too well. Gill Clinton got flushed down the toilet, Alpaca Gore froze to death in the arctic during a global warming test I was conducting, and as for Ronald Bacon, well, I consumed him in a fit of nostalgia for the glory days).

I had to get that bitch Hillary vaccinated for rabies and took her to the vet (veterinarian that is), and the motherfucker charged me $400 for the visit. With rates like that the only person who’s going to be homeless soon is me. Naturally, I refused to pay and killed the dog in front of him to show how little I cared for it. (On a side note, Baracko Llama is on his way over from Saudi Arabia and I’m very excited. I am going to have “I hate vets” branded onto his side).

In short, homeless veterans: obviously; homeless veterinarians: we can all dream can’t we?