You know, folks, the liberal media and the secular progressive movement has always tried to paint traditionalists like myself, and like many of you Factor watchers out there, as being a stubborn group of people who are set in our ways. They say that you average folks out there don't think for yourselves, okay? Well, of course that's total malarkey, which is exactly what we've all come to expect from these left wing bozos. It turns out, you can teach an old dog new tricks, especially when it comes down to social issues.

The proof? Yours truly.

That's right, even your humble correspondent can change his mind. And I've changed my tune on an issue that is very important to me and it's an issue that I'll be working hard to make an important one in this upcoming election. Okay?

Last year, I wrote a very important book called "Kids Are Americans Too". The book, which, thanks to you folks, is the #1 Bestselling Kids Book of all time, okay, and which won a Peabody, was written for the youngsters in this nation and was filled with some great stuff to help smart, Factor-watching young people navigate the scary secular society in which we are all forced to live. The book tackled some pretty heavy subject matter, including:

• How to help your gay friend un-gay himself.
• Understanding that subservience to authority is cool, okay.
• Does mom have the right to listen in on improper, possibly illegal sexy conversations you may be having with your television producer?
• What, exactly, qualifies as sexual harassment?
•  What, exactly, qualifies as a falafel?

Well, folks, it turns out, one of the ideas that I presented in that book is dead wrong, and you Factor fans know that because I'm looking out for you, I'll be the first person to admit that I made an innocent mistake, which will be corrected in the next edition. I know that the Nazi fascists over at Media Matters and Huffington Post will probably accuse me of "flip-flopping", but that's just because they want to destroy me, because they hate all of you who tune in to the Factor as well as America in general. But we all know this already, okay?

So, the next time you and your young Factor fans snuggle up on the couch together with some cocoa to read "Kids Are Americans Too", I'd like you all to please keep in mind the following correction: Kids are not Americans too.

That's right; your kids are not actually American. Kids are, in reality, a bunch of lazy, whiny idiots, and are, next to Islamofascists and radical liberals, the single most un-American group in this country, who pose the greatest threat to our democracy.

Go to your window right now, Factorites. What do you see on your street? Chances are, it's a group of stupid kids. And chances are, they're blocking traffic with their skateboards, talking about the latest violent videogame, racist rap song or homosexual YouTube movie.

Kids are a drain on our cultural values. They are a drain on our economy. They listen to Ludacris. They sit on the couch all day masturbating while you are at work, and when you get home they want to borrow your money and your car. They flood our nation's schools, looking for a free education. And when you ask them to shovel the driveway after it snows, they always do a half-assed job. Always. These are the facts, folks. You can disagree with me all you want, okay, but when you slip on a shoddily shoveled driveway and break your coccyx, you'll know that you were a pinhead not to listen to this humble correspondent.

Kids do not work. They do not vote. They do not care about democracy. They constitute a huge population that does not share our culture or our values. Most of time, I don't even understand what they are saying. They're all gay. And they draw stupid pictures of turkeys by tracing their hands with a crayon. They are a terrifying danger to America, and everyone must understand that if we do not do something about this threat immediately, these kids will one day take over this country, okay? And then America will be a nation of pinheads.

And that's the memo.