I don’t often apologize, but that’s mostly because I’m so rarely wrong about anything. But lately I’ve been beginning to fear for the safety of the world because of how good a journalist I am. Everyone has watched helplessly as thousands have died in Myanmar over the past couple days and I…this is hard…I want to apologize.

At first, I like many of you, cursed the heavens for this great disaster, wondering how God could let this happen to so many innocent people in a country already ravaged by military dictatorship and oppression. But then it hit me. Last week I added myself to the ranks of historic television when I performed what is unarguably the greatest television interview in the history of mankind in what has become known as the O’Reilly-Clinton Debates (suck it Frost). A week later thousands are dead in Myanmar from what the islamofascistjewyorktimes-ists have labeled a natural disaster. But I think we all know what’s really going on here. The shock waves from my life-altering interview culminated in the cyclone that ravaged Myanmar.

Ordinarily the idea that my journalism was so powerful and moving that it could literally destroy villages halfway around the globe would be dismissed as egotistical megalomaniacal delusions of grandeur, but did you see my Hill-dog interview?? I mean, Christ, I should have seen this coming. Do you remember when I called her a socialist? That was powerful stuff. Too powerful. I have learned my lesson. With great power comes great responsibility. So to the citizens of Myanmar I apologize – not for being responsible for the single greatest moment in television, but because the reverberations from my booming, omniscient, integrity-laden, yet avuncular and compassionate voice have caused so much death and destruction. I should have realized that Myanmar wasn’t a no-spin zone and was thus susceptible to cyclones.

Still, I think the citizens of Myanmar understand my responsibility to continue to effect change in the world. So with that, I say, Myanmar, brace yourself because it’s not over yet. Barack, I want you! Get on my show.

This is the interview I was born for, and I’ve been preparing. Last week I watched Blacula, not that I’m trying to imply that Barack Obama is a parasite seeking to sink his fangs into the lifeblood of America and suck it dry. But who could forget that famous scene where the villagers grab their torches and hunt down Blacula and just as they are about to destroy his pure evil soul, he looks up at the camera and addresses his attackers: “It’s not surprising then that they get bitter, they cling to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren’t like them or anti-immigrant sentiment or anti-trade sentiment as a way to explain their frustrations.” I’m ready for you Barack. I’ve got my cross and my holy water. The only question left is: is the world ready for me?