The Lord knows I’m not one to hold grudges against people, but the Lord also knows that Al Gore isn’t a person. He’s a genetically modified cyborg sent back from the future to destroy America and ruin Christmas. I like to call him Robo-Grinch and his message of death to global warming inspired what might be the greatest tragedy to hit this country since 9/11.

Just last week Great Barrington, Massachusetts, voted in favor of having all Christmas lights shut off by 10pm to conserve energy and save the planet. Well I have bad news for you Great Barrington, there won’t be a planet if we don’t appease Yahweh. God is like a big child, and Christmas lights are God’s nightlight. Without those lights after 10pm He’ll lie awake in his bed quivering with fear that vampires and werewolves will tear Him apart because we let Him watch too many violent movies. Hollywood is destroying our children, and that includes God.

Imagine a world where all the lights go out at 10pm. Doctors forced to use their sense of touch to perform operations on the wrong patients. Thousands die. Air Traffic controllers can no longer use their once-brightly lit computer screens to coordinate flight landings. Thousands die. Secret detention prisons can no longer connect their nipple tasers. Thousands die.

You will celebrate Christmas

People often forget what Christmas is really about. It’s not about the presents or the food or the family, it’s about proving to the rest of the world that we are just as intolerant as any nation. Jesus Christ, you people need to get in the Christmas spirit. We are at war, and in war it matters what you say. When someone says “happy holidays” to me, all I hear is, “I just sodomized your mother with a crucifix you son of a bitch.” Oh yea? Well if I’m a son of a bitch then you just committed bestiality, pretty un-Christian “dude.” Just remember that the next time you say “happy holidays.”

This year, though, I’ve decided to help certain people get into the Christmas spirit. Each year I go around and, as I’m sure many of you folks do as well, smear goats blood on Jewish family’s houses to let Santa know to pass over and not accidentally give any presents to them (and each year I see the same headlines in the newspapers about Jews whining about hate crimes and whatnot and I chuckle a little as I caress my nipples with fried chick peas).

kk+via Flickr

For those out of the loop, I’ve called for a protest of Mark Cuban’s soul-sucking moving picture demon Redacted which, as my producers tell me, is violently anti-American and pro-terrorism. I mean, for chrissakes, the tagline for the movie is: “If you only have $10 to prove you hate America, see this film.”

Now I haven’t this movie and I don’t intend to because I am too busy single handedly defeating terrorism by taking down celebrities. But having not seen it, I am in a perfect position to criticize it. I think we can all safely assume that the opening scene involves American soldiers in devil costumes murdering everything in sight, cackling manically and shooting legs off of puppies until Osama bin Laden comes in to save the day, beats up the American soldiers, brings the dead people back to life, surgically reattaches legs to the dough-eyed puppies, pisses on an American flag which then turns into a burning Christmas tree. Cut to homosexual Jews crucifying Jesus on a cross made of recycled New York Times articles, you get the gist of it.

I was recently googling my own name, as I am wont to do from time to time, not because I’m an egotistical assfuck obsessed with and deluded by my own fame, but more because I want to stay in touch with the folks.

In any case, I stumbled across a blight on the face of this nation: www.oreilly-sucks.com My initial thought was, well it’s obviously not me. O’Reilly is a very common name. But then I clicked on the site and the first sentence was: “Bill O’Reilly is host of The O’Reilly Factor on the FOX Noise channel.”

Most shocking is that America continues to allow this hate-mongering site of terror to waste intranet space. The internets is not a dump truck, it’s a series of tubes, and tubes have a finite capacity. This kind of un-American filth must be flushed down the tubes with the proverbial Drano of justice. I know what you’re thinking, how can a toilet flush in the no-spin zone? You leave that to me.

I’ve decided to start my own website in response to this 9/11-esque atrocity against my reputation. Please check out my new official site: oreilly-sucks.com-sucks.com.

With the California wildfires now under control, it’s time to reflect on the things we’ve learned. Number one: The illegal Mexicans are lighting these fires as part of their reconquista of the American Southwest. Over a course of many hundreds of years, they plan to gradually burn away all of our forests, crippling both the lumber and national parks industries and bringing the economy to its knees. With less money for border guards, Predator drones and man-eating cacti, the Mexicans will waltz across the border like they’re on the way to the neighborhood cockfight on a lazy Sunday afternoon.

But the other thing we learned is that black people fight fires nearly indistinguishably from white people.

People are all up in arms about Ann Coulter’s latest controversial remarks, but I had her on the Factor, she’s a real friend of the show, and I said to her then that “I don’t even care.” And I don’t. But the Jew-media, is making a huge stink.

What I think Ann was getting at was that this is the greatest country in the world, but it still has problems, and most of those problems are caused by Jews:

1) Wars — As my fellow Christian Mr. Melvin Gibson put it, Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world. That’s a fact. No spin there. The Iraq war? Jews. The Vietnam war? Jews. The War on Christmas? Jews/secular progressives. The War at Home? Well that’s actually Fox that OKed that shitcom, but checking IMDB shows that the creator is Rob Lotterstein. Lotterstein? Hello (translation: Shalom)! Case in point.

2) Black People. — Where did they come from? Africa. Afros. Jewfros. Jews. Booyah.

Associated Press

As we all know fires are currently sweeping across Southern California — homes, small businesses, churches — everything’s going up in smoke. Now, a lot of liberal Al Gore types will somehow find a way to pin this on global warming. But they are ignoring the real cause, which is that illegals have been running rampant lighting fires in the Southwest as part of their reconquista.

The flood of Mexican immigrants into America’s border states is nothing but a thinly veiled campaign to annex their lost territory. The increase in forest fires this past decade has closely paralleled the increased flow of illegal immigrants into our country.

Now look, illegals: We won that territory fair and square under the brave leadership of James K. Polk. That’s what happens in wars — somebody wins, somebody loses. You lost. Get over it. Nobody forced you to sign the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo, but you did.

Photo by halighalie via Flickr.

You’re not The Boss of me anymore Mr. Springsteen. Oh no, I don’t think so. For those of you who have been living in a cave the last couple weeks, you are terrorists and the United States will hunt you down and kill you. For the rest of you, by now I’m sure you’ve heard about Bruce Springsteen’s new album, which threatens the very security of this nation by calling into question vital anti-terror tactics. Mr. Springsteen is a coward and a pinhead.

I’ve invited him to join me on my show to backup his wild ideas and I’ve even offered to donate $25,000 to Habitat for Humanity if he does come to be disgraced by my wit and rhetoric on national television. That’ll build a lot of houses Mr. Springsteen. However, if you decline my invitation, I will not only refuse to donate this money, but I will instead use it to destroy 25,000 homes in New Orleans and Mississippi. Only then will you truly realize how destructive your new album is to America. Can you live with that on your conscience?

I want to clear up a few things concerning “doctor” Boyce Watkins’ recent comments about Juan Williams being a “Happy Negro” who appears on my show only to agree with me.

First of all, Mr. Williams it not just any negro, he’s my negro. And second of all I can assure you he is not happy.

I had dinner at Juan’s house last week, and in between bites of hot pockets and shouts of “m-fer I want more ice tea Bill,” Juan told me about how miserable his existence is. I couldn’t get over the fact that there was no difference between Juan’s depressing shithole apartment and any other depressing shithole I’ve been to in white neighborhoods.

After dinner, he showed me around his place. In the middle of the room is a large hole he cut in the floor to function as a toilet. Other than that there is a microwave, a stool, a poster of Aunt Jemima, and the blowup doll I gave him for his birthday last year when I got tired of rubbing falafels all over it.