You’ve all probably already heard, but I just won the Pulitzer...the only problem is my award shelf just collapsed under the weight of all the Grammys, Golden Globes, and Hall of Fame plaques...so I'm building a new shelf, which is a lot harder than I thought, man...I figured you just kinda nail a couple boards together, but after six hours all I had was a pile of broken boards and a bunch of bent nails...so I called my favorite carpenter, Jesus...no man, not THE Jesus. Jesus Gonzalez, from San Antonio...so anyway, Jesus told me to just order a shelf from Ikea, but they sent me a box with a bunch of, like, screws and beams or something, man...I guess they don't know what a "shelf" is in Sweden.

I hate Sweden more than anything, man, even more than cottage cheese...so my awards are still scattered all over my floor, and I stepped on my Oscar and my foot is bleeding like crazy...Radiohead can headline Lollapalooza, but they'll never win the Pulitzer, 'cause anyone can sing in falsetto and make weird noises on their guitars...Ever wonder how Thom Yorke got that droopy eye? I heard it was from too many cucumber facemasks.

I'm gonna cut this short, because I should see a doctor or something about this foot...my Pulitzer's covered in blood...plus, fellow Pulitzer winner Garry Trudeau of Doonsberry called me and we're going to hang out...I guess the moral is, it takes a lot to laugh, it takes a shelf to cry...or something.