Memorandum

From: Bono
Re: 2008 St. Patty’s Day Blowout

St. Patrick’s Day is Saturday, 15 March this year instead of the usual 17 March. I know, I just about crapped my leather knickers when I saw the change. Don’t blame me. Blame Holy Week.

Of course, given our appetites for green beer, we’ll probably be sloshed well past 17 March.

Holy fuck! I just realized, the Ides of March is (are?) also on Saturday. Great, there goes the annual naked gladiator party – unless we weave the two parties together and wear green togas? Text me your thoughts.

This year’s blowout will be catered. I can hear the groans from here (one of my superpowers), but it’s tough to find cabbage and corned beef. I’ll grab some sammies from Quiznos and a bunch of KFC Famous Bowls (mashed potatoes for my bros). You’ll chip in the necessary Euros, I trust.

Since I’m chairing the party committee, I’ve taken security measures in case John Mayer, my stalker, attempts to crash. I can’t say what the measures are, as we all know there’s a leak lurking on “the edge” of our circle.

However, there’s one lithe, leggy exception to the Mayer ban, and her name is Paris Hilton. If you don’t remember her pictures from the tour bus, here she is:

I know, “Boiiiiiiing!” right? She moves in mysterious ways.

You know what else moves in mysterious ways? The front of my trousers. Love is a temple. I got her higher law right here.

I’ll wait while your boners subside. Picture John Mayer naked if it helps.

OK, the reason I’m letting Mayer McCheese stay under this specific condition is that he said this last year:

“The world needs someone to stand between Bono and Paris Hilton. And I want to be somewhere right in the middle.”

John, that can be arranged. Except for the part where you’re in the middle. It’s U2, not U3. Off to the side would be OK. But show up without Paris, and you’ll be escorted to the door by a chiseled drummer who smells like TAG.

Cc: John Mayer