I was Googling myself the other day and saw this interview with Henry Rollins. You know him as the thick-necked palooka who dabbles in American TV, film, music and self-publishing. He changes media frequently because he's so terrible at everything -- well, almost everything. I'll get to that.

Boy, do I remember that rapid arm movement. And is it just me, or do his pants look like they're bunched up like a frontal butthole? The interviewer rightly suspects Henry has some issues with me and U2.

Well I like Bono’s humanitarian efforts, because when some people go, “oh, he doesn’t mean it. He’s just doing a photo op,” I disagree. I think he’s very sincere.

Gee, guess I'll stick with the whole altruism thing a bit longer, seeing as how Henry approves. He is not quite as generous toward my band, however.

I just think the music, you know, knowing what I know about music… Bands make so much fun of U2. Ask any band on the bandstand, say U2 and the band starts laughing. Because the drummer can’t play. Bass player plods along. The guitar player, if he didn’t have Brian Eno, he wouldn’t have a guitar sound. It’s basically a Brian Eno guitar sound played by guy who’s got one trick. That’s why there’s no leads, because the guys got nothing in there ... To me those records are for people who’ve lost the will to fight.

I'm not going to dignify the accusations with a response -- I mean, seriously, have you HEARD any of Rollins' music? Knowing what I know about music, it's insufferable shite and won't soon win any Grammys.

As for the anger, vitriol and losing the will to fight. Ah, I remember it well.

In 1983, when U2 was just four sexually confused Irish boys and Henry was a scrappy twink -- oh yes -- heading the hardcore band Black Flag, he and I met after a U2 set and fell in love. The leaders of two dissimilar bands falling in love at the backstage door -- Henry was exciting. He was brilliant. It was exciting times in Washington, where he's from. Rollins Band and The Chase aren't the only suck fests Henry's been involved in.

When I finally broke it off, how Henry wept! 

Confidential to Henry: I'm sorry I hurt you now, as I hurt you then. But at least I didn't tell everyone that you're a bottom, or that you have horrible butt acne. Have you admitted to yourself that you're a repressed homosexual (whereas I was just bi-curious)?

Let go of your anger, Henry. That's my advice. Also, admit my band is better than any of the dumb bands you've had.

P.S. I'm sorry for giving you HPV -- if it really was me. Also, do you still have my Smiths and Cure CDs? 

 (Photo by Veeliam via Flickr.)