I got married way too young, and I didn't do much experimenting (sexual, that is). I missed the "Am I straight or am I gay?" window, a brief period when young men mess around together and make up their minds about which holes they prefer, and on what gender.

If my long-time missus, Ali, weren't so totally hot and into my favorite sport, there are a few guys I would totally be into being into -- besides my bandmates. You guys are always my aces in the hole, so to speak.

1) Eddie Vedder

Definite Pro: There's just something about his cheeks -- upper and lower decks. Also, had an awesome album, Ten; subsequent work mediocre enough not to threaten me.

Possible Cons: Weight seems to fluctuate; friends with smelly hippie Neil Young. Also, there's that bass player with the silly hats in Pearl Jam. I fucking hate that dude.

2) Jason Bateman

Definite Pro: Handsome, well-spoken, funny. As everyone who stuck with U2 after "Pop" knows, I love a good comeback.

Possible Con: Occasionally looks like smug dickslurp.

3) George Lopez

Definite Pro: Hairy Latino.

Possible Con: May accidentally shout out "Mencia" while we're in sexual conflagrato.

4) River Cuomo

Definite Pro: Mmmmmustache!

Possible Con: Does he dole rides out for free?

5) George Clooney

Definite Pro: Kisses better than Brad Pitt.

Possible Con: Starting to develop old-man stink.

6) Ben Affleck

Definite Pro: Worse actor than Matt Damon, but hunkier.

Possible Con: He's damaged goods, i.e., Jimmy Kimmel's sloppy seconds.

7) Heath Ledger

Definite Pro: Looks great in Joker drag, one of my many kinks.

Possible Con: Not too into gay necrophilia anymore.

8) George Michael

Definite Pro: Dude's so gay he could turn pro at gayness.

Possible Con: Might get arrested, since he's obviously under constant surveillance.

9) Thom Yorke

Definite Pro: Dude wants me, obviously, so he'd be easy conquest.

Possible Con: Ugly.

10) John Mayer

Definite Pro: If I give in to his advances, he might stop stalking me. Or is that a con?

Possible Con: May get infected with LSV: Lame Songwriter Virus.

 (Photo by Maggiejumps via Flickr.)