Ahoy cap'n!

I just found out U2 is not, repeat NOT, scheduled to play John Mayer's next cruise. Rather, it appears he booked Guster. A quick glance at the Guster songbook did not turn up "One," "Lemon," or any other awesome U2 songs.

However, they do have one called "Red Oyster Cult," a not-so-clever tune about never growing up, which is the fantasy of most rock stars, stuck in adolescence's ice like a caveman. Me, I'm 48 and proud of it! In short, I am to healthy adult rock stars what Jennifer Aniston is to sexy. And that's why U2 deserves to play Mayercraft Carrier 2.

Confidential to my former pal John Mayer: Dude! Can't you totally see us dueting shirtlessly on "Your Body is a Wonderland" while Jennifer, assuming she's there, hears how my rich voice subtly drowns out your raspy whisper? I can.

I'm on the South Beach Diet and doing crunches every morning, so my abs are in tip-top shipshape. I'll send you a jpeg.

Now, I know that last time you were on the U2 Yacht, Edge vomited all over creation, but that's what high seas adventures and making Larry swab the deck were invented for! Plus, U2 got a killer song out of it ("Vertigo").

John, it is not too late to remedy this error and heal the rift between us, as I see that there are still some slots open. Speaking of which: Jennifer is definitely going to be there, right? If so, at least consider letting us crew for you, brother.

If not, meh, forget I said anything.