You may not know this about me, but I am a huge Cathy fan. Cathy is like my coffee … if I don’t read it in the morning I find it hard to get through the day. I guess I am a fan of most funnies, but Cathy is my favorite. It’s the first thing I flip to when I get the paper.

Angie is not a fan of the funnies (big surprise). She says they are a waste of time when there is so much bad stuff in the world, but I say we sometimes need a break from the bad stuff. Angie would never admit it but I think she secretly loves Family Circus. George Clooney is obsessed with Mary Worth. But for me, Cathy is the perfect break! There is just something about the way she looks when she says “AACK!” with those little beads of sweat a flying off her face.

She says it all the time! “AACK!” when she is talking about diets, “AACK!” when she is trying on jeans, and “AACK” when she has to find a new swimsuit!

Cathy does NOT like to try on swim suits! AACK! I bet Cathy would also hate making love in a bed that had a mirrored ceiling. AACK! She would think her ass was too fat!

It’s day three of my flight for my life from George Clooney. It gets lonely on the road, so I thought I’d have some fun on my laptop and see what celebrity I look most like. If it is someone good, then maybe I can pass myself off as them to keep looney Clooney off my ass.

Turns out I look like myself! Which is a very good thing. God I am hot. I wish I could make out with myself. I get Chow Yun Fat all the time so that comes as no surprise. Ricky Gervais! He’s the lucky devil isn’t he. I wonder if he did this look alike website if he would he get me?

HOLY SHIT! I think Clooney just took a shot at me!

If you are reading this, I may already be dead. It’s been 2 days since I began running for my life from George Clooney. I haven’t showered or brushed my teeth in over a day. I feel disgusting. I told my driver to keep us moving. We stop only for pee breaks, lattes and the occasional promotional appearances for my new movie “Jesse James and the blah blah long title.”

Associated Press

I may have just fallen in love again, for like the 5th time in my life. I love Angie and all of our however many kids, but this was different. This young woman leapt from the crowd and hugged me. I am sure she thought it would be no big deal. Let’s get real. I am a huge celebrity and incredibly good looking. Women throw themselves at me all day. Angie doesn’t because she says I’ll get the “big head” and buys us another child so “I remember my place,” but this stranger in the crowd saw past all of that.

I know she did by the way she hurled her body at me. I could tell by the way her forearm smashed against my shoulder and her right boob pressed into my elbow. She got me.

Associated Press

Guess what! Angie says we are quitting Hollywood and moving to Berlin to settle down. I just have to finish up my Hollywood commitments, but once those are done, I am going to fulfill my dreams of being an architecturist. Angie told me she loved the idea. I almost got my degree in that, but wound up majoring in good looks instead.

Angie says that I can start by designing a new house for us and the children. Boy, do we have a lot of children. The internet says we have four, but it feels like a lot more.

Associated Press

Number one bad idea for the summer? Leaving your kids in the car. This is a really bad idea. It’s not at all a good idea, like Ocean’s 13 was a good idea, or like adding a sweet gherkin to your sandwich is a good idea.

Associated Press

Angie and I are not fighting. I wish all the Brangie haters would leave us alone. I know that we are really, really good looking, but that doesn’t mean you can treat us like really, really good looking pickles in a … a pickle factory where every other pickle is just plain. Its not our fault we aren’t plain. If I could be a plain pickle, I would be.