Jesus Christ, I'm old. I don't have time for this shit. My ass hurts, it feels like I gotta take a piss every three minutes, and some rookie just asked for my autograph. Not to mention this new goddamn team I'm on. And this new goddamn blog, which is part of my new goddamn contract.

While I'm on the subject, here are some other things that are bugging me so far here in my new goddamn home:

5. The Goddamn media. In Green Bay, we had a strict policy: the media does not exist. Literally. Now, Jesus H., some Rico with a pen is wondering if I'm going to get hurt in the first week of the season. Hey Rico! Brett Favre doesn't get hurt!

4. All my new "teammates" want me to do my "There's Something About Mary" lines. And then they want to mispronounce my last name. Yeah, that's pretty funny.