By Brett Ratner
"If you're good at something, never do it for free". I don't know who said that but I'm giving it to Jackie Chan.
Facebook changed their policy saying they owned your content. Now they changed it back. That's right. They didn't want to deal with the wrath of Ratner. Or, as I call it, the "Wrathner".
It's one thing to own the rambling status updates of the common people. "Suzie in Alabama is home from work". Good luck pitching that to Dreamworks. 'Kathy loves 'American Idol'? Yeah, that's a Cinderella story.
But I am an artist. Whatever comes out of my mouth is pure genius. Whatever comes from my fingers is even better. (Yes that means what you think it means!). Last I checked Facebook wasn't a charity. And I didn't lose a poker game to post there. So I own it. It's mine.
I've got this idea where Chris Tucker goes on Facebook and solves a murder. You think I'm gonna pay Facebook when it crosses the 100 million mark? No way. Not when I've got a better idea. He's not gonna go on Facebook. He's gonna go on "Spacebook!" And it'll take place in the Andromeda galaxy. I found some old Deep Space Nine sets and we're rolling Monday.
I'm officiially spearheading the Paul Blart for Oscar Consideration boycott. If the academy does not reconsider it's shocking Oscar blackballing, we will be boycotting this year's ceremony.
So far only Tucker has agreed, but I have put out feelers to tens of other celebrities.
Please watch this behind the scenes look into the making of the film:
The Rat-man's back, and this time, he's ready to show you some shrinkage like you've never seen before!
That's right, bros 'n hoes, it looks like I might be directing The Incredible Shrinking Man! There are, of course, a few small details to work out. OH MAN! See what I did there? 'Small' details? Oh man, I totally didn't even mean to do that. Just goes to show ya, I am the man for the job.
This should be an easy flick to pull off. I mean, it's about a guy who shrinks, so we can build really tiny sets and save ourselves a whole bunch of money. Go to a model shop and buy some tiny furniture for the guy's tiny house, get some Hot Wheels for his car, and then we'll make him fight a giant ant and sleep in a Lego. Hell, we can probably shoot this thing for under 20 bucks! Well, with my $10 mil salary, under $10,000,020, I guess.
NOT COOL, BROS.
That's all I have to say to you two, Chris Tucker and Old Asian Guy. Agreeing to do another movie together, so long as it specifically isn't Rush Hour 4?! What a slap in the face. That's like three slaps in the face, a kick in the groin, and then a noogie. I made you two...I MADE YOU!!!
Sorry for gettin' a little harsh there, brosephs, but I'm a little steamed about this. I mean, where would those two be without me? Chris Tucker would be begging Ice Cube to star as the fourth male lead in his mildly successful "Are We [SOMETHING] Yet" non-franchise, and the Asian Dude would probably be teaching kung-fu to bratty junior high students in Peoria. Now they think they can abandon me and the holy Rush Hour trilogy for an "unnamed project" with no director yet? And he implied I was a "middleman?" I was a topman, Asian Dude, let's get that straight right here.
Yo brahs, I bet you all have been wondering what the Rat-man has been up to directin'-wise lately. Well, I'm takin a little break from the Rush Hour films (Hollywood Rule #1: Always leave them wanting more. By "them," I mean "Chris Tucker and Jackie Chan's agents," naturally.), so I could direct a portion of a little film called New York, I Love You. It's essentially a love letter to the city of New York, a city I love and respect with all of my heart. Sadly, it's really expensive to actually shoot in New York, so I've been shooting my part of the movie in Vancouver (Hollywood Rule #2: Always shoot in Vancouver, regardless of the project. Even if it's Survivor: The Australian Outback.).
Bros, I'd like to talk about an issue that I take very seriously: the Olympics. A lot of people are protesting them this year, and I've joined the ranks. Why? Because the Olympics are just the most boring times of television I've ever been put through in my life.
Seriously. Have you ever sat and actually WATCHED any of the Olympics? Running around in circles, throwing javelins (not at human targets!), swimming laps, and diving. DIVING. Want to see the opposite of excitement in its purest form? Go ahead, watch the diving competition. But if you end up having to claw your own eyeballs out, don't say I didn't warn ya.
NBC did a weird thing this year. They announced their network upfronts extremely early. It was business as usual for the most part: 80's remake, 80's remake, rip-off of Lost, reality show, reality show, Law & Order, Law & Order...then something out of place. A spin-off of the lame-ass "comedy," The Office. I mean, how can they call it a sitcom when there's no laugh track? I don't know when the jokes are without the laugh track! Anyways, the spin-off thus far has no title, no premise, no characters, but apparently will have something to do with its parent show.
I have a few ideas of where this new show could go. Allow me to present Brett Ratner presents: The Office 2.
Premise: The daily and always wacky goings-on of a small international spy/military task force, led by the wackily incompetent boss Tim Seinfeld.
Tim Seinfeld - The boss of The O.F.F.I.C.E. (we'll figure out what that stands for later). Always mispronounces things and tries get-rich-quick schemes. Has a stern but loving wife that keeps him in check so he doesn't get too wacky. Catchphrase: "Whoops! I think I did something wrong!"
Ted Wilson - Neighbor. Lives next door to The O.F.F.I.C.E. Always offering sagely advice to the employees and agents there. Often does weird things that are hilarious. Catchphrase: "Oh, Tim, you are wacky indeed."