NOT COOL, BROS.

That's all I have to say to you two, Chris Tucker and Old Asian Guy. Agreeing to do another movie together, so long as it specifically isn't Rush Hour 4?! What a slap in the face. That's like three slaps in the face, a kick in the groin, and then a noogie. I made you two...I MADE YOU!!!

Sorry for gettin' a little harsh there, brosephs, but I'm a little steamed about this. I mean, where would those two be without me? Chris Tucker would be begging Ice Cube to star as the fourth male lead in his mildly successful "Are We [SOMETHING] Yet" non-franchise, and the Asian Dude would probably be teaching kung-fu to bratty junior high students in Peoria. Now they think they can abandon me and the holy Rush Hour trilogy for an "unnamed project" with no director yet? And he implied I was a "middleman?" I was a topman, Asian Dude, let's get that straight right here.

Yo brahs, I bet you all have been wondering what the Rat-man has been up to directin'-wise lately. Well, I'm takin a little break from the Rush Hour films (Hollywood Rule #1: Always leave them wanting more. By "them," I mean "Chris Tucker and Jackie Chan's agents," naturally.), so I could direct a portion of a little film called New York, I Love You. It's essentially a love letter to the city of New York, a city I love and respect with all of my heart. Sadly, it's really expensive to actually shoot in New York, so I've been shooting my part of the movie in Vancouver (Hollywood Rule #2: Always shoot in Vancouver, regardless of the project. Even if it's Survivor: The Australian Outback.).

Bros, I'd like to talk about an issue that I take very seriously: the Olympics. A lot of people are protesting them this year, and I've joined the ranks. Why? Because the Olympics are just the most boring times of television I've ever been put through in my life.

Seriously. Have you ever sat and actually WATCHED any of the Olympics? Running around in circles, throwing javelins (not at human targets!), swimming laps, and diving. DIVING. Want to see the opposite of excitement in its purest form? Go ahead, watch the diving competition. But if you end up having to claw your own eyeballs out, don't say I didn't warn ya.

NBC did a weird thing this year. They announced their network upfronts extremely early. It was business as usual for the most part: 80's remake, 80's remake, rip-off of Lost, reality show, reality show, Law & Order, Law & Order...then something out of place. A spin-off of the lame-ass "comedy," The Office. I mean, how can they call it a sitcom when there's no laugh track? I don't know when the jokes are without the laugh track!  Anyways, the spin-off thus far has no title, no premise, no characters, but apparently will have something to do with its parent show.

I have a few ideas of where this new show could go. Allow me to present Brett Ratner presents: The Office 2.

Premise: The daily and always wacky goings-on of a small international spy/military task force, led by the wackily incompetent boss Tim Seinfeld.

Characters:

Tim Seinfeld - The boss of The O.F.F.I.C.E. (we'll figure out what that stands for later). Always mispronounces things and tries get-rich-quick schemes. Has a stern but loving wife that keeps him in check so he doesn't get too wacky. Catchphrase: "Whoops! I think I did something wrong!"

Ted Wilson - Neighbor. Lives next door to The O.F.F.I.C.E. Always offering sagely advice to the employees and agents there. Often does weird things that are hilarious. Catchphrase: "Oh, Tim, you are wacky indeed."

Um, wow. Someone sent me that link a little bit ago, and holy crap, Rush Hour 2 looks a lot crummier than I remember it. I mean, yeah, I was pretty wasted that year, but...really? I used cardboard paper for the title cards and the green preview screen? Maybe I was getting lazy or the studio was cutting back the budget, because I just watched this movie on DVD last week, and I don't remember Chris Tucker having long hair and looking so much like Mos Def.

Hey brahs, how's it hangin'? Alright? That's good to hear. Me? Ah, ya know, same ol', same ol'. Just had a few cold ones, watched some tv, and, oh yeah, helped Mariah Carey get more number one hits than Elvis freakin' Presley! Elvis, that's right. Ever heard of him? Yeah, he was just one of the most popular singers EVER. And now with the release of "Touch My Body," Mariah's newest hit and the basis of the soon-to-be-MTV-Video-Music-Award-winning music video directed by The Rat-man himself, Ms. Carey has finally beaten that two-bit hip-shaker at his own game.

Let's just compare their two careers for a second here: Mariah is 38 years young and still kickin' out hits, lookin' foxy, and dating big shot record producers. At 38, "The King" (psh, more like "The...Not King"!) was already in his sweaty "Fatass Has-Been" career re-invention phase, had gone through a bitter divorce with his hag of a wife, and scoping out potential toilet seats to die on. Meanwhile, Mariah manages to both have a smaller, tighter butt and bigger breasts than Mr. Presley had in his disheveled state. Point: Mariah.

Okay, so I may be a little behind on the times. I mean, I knew you could download porn and write blog entries on computers, but it turns out there's a TON of other shit to do on them. This "internet" thing is crazy! There are, like, at least 100 different web sites, and a few of them even have things that aren't two chicks making out after eating feces. Crazy, huh?

One of the big things on the internet these days is something called Facebook. Basically, you get internet-friends and you put up a profile and ... well, I'm not really sure of what the purpose of this thing is, but I decided to give it a try. Apparently, the guy who created it is worth something like $2 billion dollars now. Shit, man, I should make a website. I tried once, but apparently MS Paint drawings of naked chicks doesn't have the allure to internet-goers as it once did. Whatever, bro.

So, I got this Facebook thing now.

Making that Mariah Carey video got my creative juices flowin’, bros. And my man juices! …’Cuz Mariah Carey’s hot. And has boobs ‘n stuff. What was I talking about? Oh yeah, I wanna direct another comic book movie: Harbinger.

It’s awesome and totally original. You guys know I don’t like to do what’s been done before, either by myself or others, and am always striving to try to challenge myself with unique projects. Harbinger is no different. Harbinger is like X-Men, except way cooler. I pitched it as “X-Men meets X2 with a dash of X3,” the execs went wild. 

Dear Guy,

Sorry 'bout spewing all over you, bro. Did a few too many Irish carbombs back at Cheers. Also, I probably had a keg's worth of green beer (Keystone Ice - the finest vintage) in about two hours. But this doesn't excuse my actions. I apologize from deep within my heart and soul for blowin' chunks on you. I may have spewed a little on your young daughter, but I'm pretty sure you got the lions' share of my vomit.

You're probably pretty upset right now. I don't really remember much of the incident, but my buddy Jake says that you were wearing a very expensive-looking suit at the time. Armani, he said. Again, my bad, bro. I know you were just trying to enjoy a nice St. Patrick's Day with your daughter in the park, and I came and ruined it all with some upchucking of bean burritos and nachos. I will pay for the dry cleaning of both your suit and whatever your daughter was wearing.