Hey brahs, how's it hangin'? Alright? That's good to hear. Me? Ah, ya know, same ol', same ol'. Just had a few cold ones, watched some tv, and, oh yeah, helped Mariah Carey get more number one hits than Elvis freakin' Presley! Elvis, that's right. Ever heard of him? Yeah, he was just one of the most popular singers EVER. And now with the release of "Touch My Body," Mariah's newest hit and the basis of the soon-to-be-MTV-Video-Music-Award-winning music video directed by The Rat-man himself, Ms. Carey has finally beaten that two-bit hip-shaker at his own game.

Let's just compare their two careers for a second here: Mariah is 38 years young and still kickin' out hits, lookin' foxy, and dating big shot record producers. At 38, "The King" (psh, more like "The...Not King"!) was already in his sweaty "Fatass Has-Been" career re-invention phase, had gone through a bitter divorce with his hag of a wife, and scoping out potential toilet seats to die on. Meanwhile, Mariah manages to both have a smaller, tighter butt and bigger breasts than Mr. Presley had in his disheveled state. Point: Mariah.

How about their film careers? Mariah had Glitter, which has been dubbed by many as one of the worst films of all time. Alright, well, Elvis made over 30 films, all of which have been pretty much universally panned and could all be summed up as "Elvis is a young hotshot soldier/singer/island-goer who falls for a young nurse/strangely-Caucasian island girl/Arabian princess and has to win the big dance contest/singing contest/World War II." At least Mariah only made ONE of those things. Another 30 points to Mariah.

Clearly, Mariah is the better singer/artist/actress/boob-haver. The only artist who has more number ones is the Beatles, and let me assure you all, right here, that those limey mopheads are goin' down.