Um, wow. Someone sent me that link a little bit ago, and holy crap, Rush Hour 2 looks a lot crummier than I remember it. I mean, yeah, I was pretty wasted that year, but...really? I used cardboard paper for the title cards and the green preview screen? Maybe I was getting lazy or the studio was cutting back the budget, because I just watched this movie on DVD last week, and I don't remember Chris Tucker having long hair and looking so much like Mos Def.
Brett got his start like all the greats do, by directing Mariah Carey music videos. Eventually he got his hands on a little ethnic buddy flick called Rush Hour, and now he has a career. And now Chris Tucker and Ken Leung will always have work.
By Brett Ratner
Hey brahs, how's it hangin'? Alright? That's good to hear. Me? Ah, ya know, same ol', same ol'. Just had a few cold ones, watched some tv, and, oh yeah, helped Mariah Carey get more number one hits than Elvis freakin' Presley! Elvis, that's right. Ever heard of him? Yeah, he was just one of the most popular singers EVER. And now with the release of "Touch My Body," Mariah's newest hit and the basis of the soon-to-be-MTV-Video-Music-Award-winning music video directed by The Rat-man himself, Ms. Carey has finally beaten that two-bit hip-shaker at his own game.
Let's just compare their two careers for a second here: Mariah is 38 years young and still kickin' out hits, lookin' foxy, and dating big shot record producers. At 38, "The King" (psh, more like "The...Not King"!) was already in his sweaty "Fatass Has-Been" career re-invention phase, had gone through a bitter divorce with his hag of a wife, and scoping out potential toilet seats to die on. Meanwhile, Mariah manages to both have a smaller, tighter butt and bigger breasts than Mr. Presley had in his disheveled state. Point: Mariah.
Okay, so I may be a little behind on the times. I mean, I knew you could download porn and write blog entries on computers, but it turns out there's a TON of other shit to do on them. This "internet" thing is crazy! There are, like, at least 100 different web sites, and a few of them even have things that aren't two chicks making out after eating feces. Crazy, huh?
One of the big things on the internet these days is something called Facebook. Basically, you get internet-friends and you put up a profile and ... well, I'm not really sure of what the purpose of this thing is, but I decided to give it a try. Apparently, the guy who created it is worth something like $2 billion dollars now. Shit, man, I should make a website. I tried once, but apparently MS Paint drawings of naked chicks doesn't have the allure to internet-goers as it once did. Whatever, bro.
So, I got this Facebook thing now.
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Making that Mariah Carey video got my creative juices flowin’, bros. And my man juices! …’Cuz Mariah Carey’s hot. And has boobs ‘n stuff. What was I talking about? Oh yeah, I wanna direct another comic book movie: Harbinger.
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It’s awesome and totally original. You guys know I don’t like to do what’s been done before, either by myself or others, and am always striving to try to challenge myself with unique projects. Harbinger is no different. Harbinger is like X-Men, except way cooler. I pitched it as “X-Men meets X2 with a dash of X3,” the execs went wild.
Dear Guy,
Sorry 'bout spewing all over you, bro. Did a few too many Irish carbombs back at Cheers. Also, I probably had a keg's worth of green beer (Keystone Ice - the finest vintage) in about two hours. But this doesn't excuse my actions. I apologize from deep within my heart and soul for blowin' chunks on you. I may have spewed a little on your young daughter, but I'm pretty sure you got the lions' share of my vomit.
You're probably pretty upset right now. I don't really remember much of the incident, but my buddy Jake says that you were wearing a very expensive-looking suit at the time. Armani, he said. Again, my bad, bro. I know you were just trying to enjoy a nice St. Patrick's Day with your daughter in the park, and I came and ruined it all with some upchucking of bean burritos and nachos. I will pay for the dry cleaning of both your suit and whatever your daughter was wearing.
This election stuff is getting pretty heated for Obama, from what I can see on YouTube and Facebook. Hillary’s people keep making fun of Obama for being a successful Jesse Jackson, Obama’s priest is gettin’ bashed for bein’ sick of gettin’ hassled by the man, and McCain’s people keep reminding everyone that Obama’s uncle was Saddam Hussein. It’s tough out there for Barack and, bro, I feel your pain. Now, I’m no politico or anything but, Barack, I’ll be your politi-bro through this tough time.
Barack’s definitely the coolest dude in this campaign. I mean, I’m sure McCain was cool, like, thirty years ago, when he wasn’t old enough to suggest dinner at Old Country Buffet to his hot, young wife every day at 4 pm. The dude is old enough to remember both World War II and when the wheel was the hot new invention around the cave. Sorry, but old folks just ain’t my bag.
Photo via IMDb
I just got back from the new number one movie of the year: 10,000 B.C. My previous number one movie of the year was Step Up 2: The Streets, but 10,000 B.C. blows that one outta the water. Know why? It’s an awesome action movie AND it teaches you about history. I know what you’re thinking: “Brett, you may be an awesome film director and X3 totally kicked ass and your music videos are amazing on so many levels, but I hate learning things. Learning things is dumb.” That was my attitude too - before I saw this film.
Did you know, for instance, that native cavemen were all model-esque white people who spoke English? And who lived amongst wooly mammoths? No? Then get ready for me to start droppin’ a-bombs of knowledge on your sorry brains!
I’m gonna level with you, ladies ‘n gents: this may be the single greatest, most amazing Mariah Carey music video ever produced post-Glitter. I say this without hyperbole. Sounds impossible, right? But no. It’s not. This music video has it all: comedy, boobs, that weird gay guy from 30 Rock. The whole tamale. I was recently interviewed by Ryan Seacrest on some radio thing, and I said:
This is like, I don’t want to exaggerate, it’s like when Thriller first came out. The anticipation of it.
But I don’t think I really went far enough with my description. To truly describe “Touch My Body,” I would have to really let the analogies start flying. Remember when sound was first added to film with The Jazz Singer? It’s like, but imagine if Al Jolson was a hot chick with big boobs.
I’ve already accurately and awesomely predicted what will be winning the Best Picture, Best Actor, and Best Supporting Actor awards at this year’s ’scar ceremony. Now it’s time to tell all my bros what ladies will be taking home little golden dudes this Sunday.
BEST ACTRESS
Marion Cotillard (LA VIE EN ROSE)
Explanation: Why Marion Cotillard? Firstly, I can’t pronounce her name, which is a huge turn-on. Secondly, she plays this reeeal ugly, old-lookin’ chick in the movie, but she’s actually totally hot in real life! I don’t know how she did it, but I was blown away at how a hot chick can be all ugly for two hours.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Cate Blanchett (I’M NOT THERE)
Man, I’ve been sayin’ this for years, and someone finally listened. Make movies out of board games! Universal finally figured it out I guess. Check out what Variety had to say about it:
Universal Pictures has announced a six-year partnership with Hasbro to produce at least four feature films based on branded properties.
The properties include “Monopoly,” “Candy Land,” “Clue,” “Ouija,” “Battleship,” “Magic, The Gathering” and “Stretch Armstrong.”
Besides the fact that Clue is already a movie, I think Hollywood is finally moving in the right direction. We’ve exhausted comic books, TV shows, video games, and books as inspirations for movies, so what’s left? Come up with original ideas? Psh, screw that. Board games, baby. I’ve been workin’ on some spec scripts ever since the strike ended, and I think you’ll like what’s comin’ atchya in the summer of 2009.
Chess: The Movie - An army of white dudes versus an army of black dudes. Think Crash meets Braveheart. Racism and war, the ultimate combo. Chris Tucker as the Black Rook, yellin’ stuff like “DAMN! I LOOK LIKE A CASTLE!” and Nic Cage as the adventurous, cocky White Knight. Then Chris could yell something like “Why in the hell does WHITE get to move first?!” And at the end they team up to take down the White King. Hell yeah, take the Man down a peg! Tagline: “Checkmate, bro.”
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