Actually, it’s not. I’m not even sure if I have a middle name.

Regardless, this Sunday is the Oscars. And yours truly (the Rat-man) will be bringin’ you all the up-to-date news about who wins, who loses, and who stars in those lame montages. I’ll be doin’ it with my good bud Samuel L. Jackson (or “Big Sammy LJ” as I like to call him). I know what you’re thinking: how is a big celeb like you, Brett, gonna be able to liveblog the Oscars when you’re in the audience?

The battle for the new DVD format is over! HD-DVD (way too many letters for me, bro) lost out to Blu-Ray (which sounds way sweeter, right? Like it uses blue lasers or something. Lasers rock). Wonder why Blu-Ray won, other than having a cooler name and more lasers? A little flick known as Rush Hour 3.

I don’t like to brag or anything, I’m a pretty humble dude. But, the facts here are indisputable: Blu-Ray and HD-DVD were competing for marketplace dominance. Rush Hour 3 comes out on Blu-Ray. And now Blu-Ray has more or less won. Coincidence? Psh. Don’t think so, broseph.

Roger Clemens took steroids? Psh. Like anyone’s gonna buy that. If a baseball pitcher really wanted to be able to pitch faster or whatever, why wouldn’t he just CG the ball in later during post-production? My FX guys could give him a pitch that goes 2,000 mph! Clemens seems to top out at around 100 mph or so. Does that sound like steroids to you?

All of this baseball scandal stuff is just BS. Barry Bonds and Mark McGwire wouldn’t need steroids — they’re already huge! Why would big, muscular guys like them use steroids? To make their testicles smaller? Psh!

Listen, I know steroids. I did a lot of research on ‘em for my action blockbuster sci-fi epic, X-Men 3: The Final Stand. Remember the Juggernaut? I mean, steroids are the only conceivable way a guy could smash through walls over and over and pick up real heavy shit, right? But have you ever seen Barry Bonds lift a car over his head and chuck it at Hugh Jackman? Neither have I. Case closed.

The strike…it’s over!

Oh man, that’s a relief. Now those television writers can get back to work, and maybe I can get a little closure on the “will they or won’t they?” relationship on Bones. Now those movie writers can get back to work, and write down some words for me to pay little attention to while I rig up a few explosions for Chris Tucker to run away from and yell loudly at.

Now I know what my grandfather felt like the day the Depression ended and everyone suddenly had money and food again. That must’ve been an awesome day.

Associated Press

Rob Schneider, you were too young

Rob Schneider died this weekend. He was 75.

Man, I had no idea the bro was so old. He looked wicked good for a septuagenarian (dude in their 70’s). I mean, yeah, he hasn’t really done anything in a while. I mean, Deuce Bigalow is, like, ten years old now! He was pretty good as the Asian dude in Chuck and Larry Are Gay (But Not Really) or whatever that movie was called. He totally got how Asian people have squinty eyes and change their L’s to R’s. “Herro!” instead of “Hello!” That man was amongst our finest comedians.

Let me get one thing straight: I’m pretty friggin’ sick of this writers’ strike, brahs and sisses. So the other day I decided I was gonna do something about it. I was gonna join in the picketing, scream a few slogans, maybe hook up with a few down-on-their-luck lady writers (if such things even exist. Are women able to type?).

I woke up at the crack of noon yesterday and got to work on my sign. It was awesome. I painted “DUDE, GIVE THE WRITERS WHAT THEY WANT AND FAST OR ELSE YOU WILL DEPRIVE THE WORLD OF MORE RUSH HOURS AND NEW EPISODES OF MIND OF MENCIA - THAT DUDE IS HILARIOUS!” Yeah, okay, it was a lot to read, I had to write really small, and I had to put half of it on the other side of the sign, but it got the message across.

Then - right as I’m about to join the picket lines - I find out that the picketing is over!

Associated Press

So it was Tuesday, a’ight, and I was getting revved up for Mardi Gras - ya know, gathering my beads, autographs to give to chicks who take off their tops, putting on my “I’m not as think as you drunk I am” t-shirt - when the TV kept getting interrupted about something with “elections” and “Obama.” At first, I thought they said “Erections-o-rama!” and I was intrigued. But no, it’s far worse. It was…politics. Ugh.

I guess it was “Super Tuesday,” which is kinda like Super Sunday, except way less beer, nachos, football, and screaming and way more talking about change, statistics, and Bill Clinton’s ol’ ball ‘n chain. Basically, it’s a nerd’s Super Bowl. And it’s on Mardi Gras! Even at the bar, all the televisions had CNN on ‘em. And when I asked to see some chick’s boobs, all she wanted to talk about was the primaries and universal health care ‘n shit. First Hillary went and ruined Bill’s chances at scoring some young tang, now she’s ruining mine. Then the chick asked me who I was voting for, and that got me thinking.

Definitely not Hillary. I like my ladies like I like my fajitas - sizzling-hot, plenty of breast meat, and stays in the kitchen. Now Salma Hayek for president … there’s a female candidate I could get behind (if ya know what I mean!).

Photo via IMDB

Count me out, brahs. I just don’t get it. I just don’t get Lost.

I mean, when I first started watching, I thought it was gonna be wacky and hilarious, like Gilligan’s Island. But then it ended up being all talky and boring, like Law & Order. So much wasted potential on that show. And now everyone’s all excited for it to come back?! Why?

Associated Press

What up, dudes and dudettes? I’ll tell ya what’s up: looks like that writers’ strike might be ending soon!

Finally. I don’t get what’s up with those whiny wannabe Shakespeares. My boys at the Director’s Guild of America knocked out a contract in, like, a day. True, we were totally wasted during the negotiations and our only demand was “a icy-cold keg of Keystone Light before the Oscars,” but we got it done, ‘cuz we’re not in this for the money. We’re in this for the art. Like when that Asian dude accidentally says “Toto” instead of “Tito” in RH3. That’s real art, bros. That moment’ll be up in some museum next to the Mona Lisa in a hundred years. You just wait ‘n see.

Apparently, what got the writers’ pigtails in a bunch was this internet thing. They wanted to get money when their stuff got viewed online. Pssssh! I don’t know about you guys, but when I download a movie on Limewire or watch an episode of Prison Break at Fox.com, I don’t send the producers a twenty! These writers must have no idea how business gets done, unless they think people on the internet start shoving dollar bills into their computers to watch stuff. Man, where’s their brains?