Photo via IMDB

Did you all hear the new James Bond title? The Quantum of Solace? Pierce Brosnan is spinning in his grave.

Sorry to skip the formalities, but what the hell was my boy Daniel Craig thinking? I mean, the last one was totally badass. He was kickin’ ass and lookin’ damn good doing it. He made the Bond movies respectable again - except they sorta reached their apex in awesomeness with the one with Denise Richards as the nuclear physicist, she’s a total fox - and was probably the coolest Bond since Brosnan hung up the tux. But then they decide to follow it up with a science documentary or some shit? This is lamer than a PG-13 Die Hard movie.

Yo, what up, y’all? It’s your boy, the Rat-man, in the hizzouse.

I had just gotten out of Meet the Spartans, which is like 300, except hilarious. They totally kicked that Sanjaya dude into the Pit of Death! Oh man, I’m totally bringing back “THIS IS SPARTA!” whenever anyone says “this is…” And then I’ll say stuff like “DIE SANJAYA!” Oh man. It’s timeless jokes like that that will make this the first movie I ever show to my grandkids. It was awesome. But I was so jazzed after seeing that milestone flick that I wanted to see something else too. And that’s when I decided to walk into Cloverfield.

Photo via IMDB

I had heard reports that Cloverfield was making people blow chunks in the theaters or something and thought, “Oh man, this must be one badass movie if dudes are hurlin’ ‘n shit!” But man. It is not because it’s so badass. And it isn’t even because the camera shakes like it’s attached to Courtney Love’s vibrator. It’s because the movie sucks balls.

Dude. Gay.

The State of the Union address is preempting all the normally-scheduled shows on all of the major television networks. Which means I can’t watch Prison Break, a show I work damn hard on to executive produce every single day. I mean, I haven’t been “on the set” or “near the set” or “doing anything other than collecting checks for letting them put my name on the damn show” since the pilot, but I watch it pretty often. And it looks like they were just about to escape prison - again!

Photo via IMDB

Anyways, the Oscar noms just came out. Pretty standard stuff…Daniel Day-Lewis, the chick who played Bob Dylan, Ben Affleck’s lil bro…but nothing for yours truly? I’m not sure if any of you know this, but a little film called Rush Hour 3 hit the cineplexes by storm this year and there are about 300 million reasons why this Academy Awards stuff is bullshit.

Hmmmm, what’s a good way to figure out what movies were good in a year? I guess it must be based on how many British people were in the cast, and not how much it FRIGGIN’ ROCKED. I mean, audiences flocked to RH3. How many people saw There Will Be Blood? Really? Like, maybe twelve people saw that one. Twelve versus a million. So, logically-speaking, which movie was probably better?

Associated Press

As you all probably know, Heath Ledger has passed on.

Heath Ledger was one hell of an actor. I mean, this guy could do it all. While I never got the opportunity to work with him personally, I had met him on several occasions - and the guy seemed to have it all. He was immensely talented, he was a loving father, and he was - most important of all - a decent, hardworking, friendly guy.

In honor of Heath Ledger, when his face and name roll during the annual Oscars montage of entertainers who have left us in the past year, I vow that I will be the first to stand up and shout, “WHY CAN’T I QUIT YOU?” in front of everyone. Rest in peace, bro.

Associated Press

Man, I just can’t believe some people. I just had to convince — yes, convince — some stupid executive to greenlight Rush Hour 4. Can you believe that shit, man? He was all like, “Why should we make another Rush Hour?” and I was all like “How about the $50 mil opening weekend for Rush Hour 3? And the $255 mil worldwide at the box office, which doesn’t even include DVD sales. Man, I totally should have said that, capped it off with a “BOOYAH!” and high-fived my assistant, Jonathon. That would’ve rocked hardcore. Maybe added a “suck on that.” Oh well, next time, brah. Next time.

Those suits just don’t get movies and art. Look at all of the unanswered questions left after Rush Hour 3! I mean … what would happen if Carter and Chong went somewhere else? What kind of crazy, martial arts-fueled, fish-out-of-water cultural hijinks haven’t we explored yet? I mean, if the set designer can make Vancouver look that much like France, we could have them go anywhere. Maybe the next one could be in Russia or something. Oh! And some Russian femme fatale could say “Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?”, except it would all be in Russia-talk. Probably’ll have to use subtitles.

Oh man! Hold the phones! We should totally reveal that Carter’s first name is Jimmy! Have we mentioned what his first name is in the other ones yet? Man, a couple of Jimmy Carter jokes would kill. Especially since Chong wouldn’t know who Jimmy Carter is. I can picture it now. “I’m Agent Jimmy Carter! No, not that Jimmy Carter!”

Associated Press

It’s January, bros and hos, and you all know what that means: Sundance! That wicked time of year when all of the artsy-fartsy flicks that star people like Brian Cox (damn, that dude has a kickass last name) and Ellen Page make people “think” and “feel stuff.”

At least, that’s what all of the suckers think! Everyone who’s anyone knows that Sundance means one thing and one thing only: Brett Ratner’s Annual Kegger. Last year when I did a keg stand for six seconds longer than Spielberg, he started throwing up and declared me the winner of the Grand Jury Prize for Sweetest Kegger.

Associated Press

Seriously, guys. What’s the deal with this whole “strike” thing the writers are doing? Apparently I’m not allowed to go off and make any more blockbusters until this thing is over, which is a total bummer. Writers are like tampons for dudes — unnecessary.

I do it without scripts any way. I mean, seriously guys, did any of you think that my movies were written? No way, man. Not how the Rat-man operates. I just go “Yo, Chris Tucker! Say something hilarious and then punch that guy!” And he does it! And it’s instant money in the bank, boyee! No money wasted on those friggin’ “writers” and audiences eat that crap up. It’s win-win. I mean, check this out, look at this blog entry. I wrote it … but am I in the WGA? Nope. And its still awesome as hell! See? (INSERT MUSHROOM CLOUD EXPLOSION)