Hey y’all! Long time no blog – I know right?? I’ve been like super busy getting my comeback on ‘n stuff. Seriously, it’s a lot of work! And don’t even get me started on the touring. See, sometimes my life gets so hectic that in my brain I’m like, “My life is a circus!” So then I put together this totally over-the-top tour and use that as the theme of the show; that way everyone can see what a circus it is. Get it?

Did y’all watch the presidential debates last night? If you didn’t, you missed one of the most historic thingies of all times. Seriously, I usually try to watch the presidential debates every year, but I’ve never been as excited about someone’s runnin’ for president as I am about Sarah Palin. I might even register to vote!

Sometimes in my brain I was like “who would even vote for some old guy with squinty eyes over my Sarah?” Besides the fact that she’d be our first lady president, she’s smarter than him anyway! He’d be mumbling something how if he was president he’d be old and boring n’ stuff, and she’d be like… I don’t even know.

You guys, I seriously almost cried when I heard that MTV is taking Total Request Live off the air. I was actually crying anyway, ‘cause sometimes that happens when no one’s around LOL! Then the radio told me that TRL is over, so I made myself stop crying ‘cause I wanted to cry separate about that. But then I was just laughing for no reason, and I laughed so hard that I fell asleep. Does that ever happen to y’all?

TRL was awesome: you got to meet lots of super cool fans, you could show everyone 10 seconds of your new video, and you got to give Carson Daly advice about where high school girls hang out. But it was also cool ‘cause it totally taught kids about how America works.

Know what? Starting now I’m gonna try to get out and see more movies, you guys. I’m funny like that sometimes; I’ll just decide to start doin’ something even though I don’t really know why I’m doin’ it. Last month it was shopping for goldfish and eating tons of baby food; this month it’s movies. It’s like I’m Siskel and Ebert or something, LOL!

I was thinkin’ I could maybe see Tropic Thunder, but now I’m hearing that this movie makes fun of retards, y’all. So I guess the movie people are all like “We’re allowed to joke about tards ‘cause this is like a satire or whatever.” But I don’t think satire is funny if it makes fun of stuff.

Honestly I'm sick of it, y'all. How many black guys are you going to compare me to?

I feel like my life consists of having sex with my body guads, making sure my kids aren't dead, then disproving that I'm an influential and historically significant black guy.

First it was Frederick Douglas, and I had to prove that I'm functionally illiterate. (I write my blog posts in elbow macaroni and my assistant translates.)

Then it was W.E.B. Du Bois, and I had to show that I only had a supporting role in creating the N.A.A.C.P.

Whoa you guys! Sorry about that earthquake that just happened – I swear I didn’t mean to do that!

Seriously, I was as surprised as y’all were when I accidentally caused that earthquake. Alls I was doin’ was lookin’ for a new goldfish at the pet store, ‘cause all my other ones are frickin’ stupid so I just flushed ‘em down the crapper. LOL! But I looked at that damn fish tank for literally like a hundred years, and I couldn’t find any goldfish there that I wanted; all of ‘em looked mean, and the last thing I need is some pissed off goldfish in my home, giving me drama.

Bee boo blop beep beep!

Don’t worry – that’s me just pretendin’ like I’m a computer, you guys. I decided to start off like that today ‘cause I got computers on my brain, and I got computers on my brain ‘cause I just heard that in the future we’ll have our brains on our computers!

That’s what they’re sayin’, anyway, that some day y’all will be uploading your brains onto your hard drives or somethin’ crazy like that. Yep, I thought it was pretty cool when I heard that, too; the only thing is, it might not happen for another 200 hundred years, and by then I’ll probably too old to care.

You guys know by now that I’m a pretty smart girl, but there are some things in this world I don’t think I’ll ever understand. Like people, for example.

Why do y’all make such a big deal about the most random stuff? Like the global warning and who’s gonna be the next President and all that junk; that’s the stuff you’re supposed to just pretend to care about when a teacher asks you dumb questions in class. The thing is, God has a plan for each of us, so it doesn’t really matter whether Barack Obama wants to move to China or whatever.

It’s probably the same people who are all gaga over that damn cat who lost his face. What’s so great about a cat with no face? Nothing, if you ask me. I guess it’s something that he can write his own blog with only three legs, but I’ve read it and it’s not that impressive. Look at what he says:

You know how sometimes you won’t like a person just ‘cause of their first name? Like, I never like people named Roger because they make me think about Roger Rabbit, and that movie effin’ freaks me out, y’all.

I’d never name anybody Roger, but still I think people should be allowed to name their kids whatever they want. That’s why I think it’s lame how in Sweden they’re trying to tell these people they can’t name their 15-month-old daughter “Elvis.”