You know how sometimes you won’t like a person just ‘cause of their first name? Like, I never like people named Roger because they make me think about Roger Rabbit, and that movie effin’ freaks me out, y’all.

I’d never name anybody Roger, but still I think people should be allowed to name their kids whatever they want. That’s why I think it’s lame how in Sweden they’re trying to tell these people they can’t name their 15-month-old daughter “Elvis.”

Sunday is Mother’s Day, and I’ve been having all these thoughts running around inside my brain, mostly just about being a mom ‘n stuff like that. I figure I must have a pretty good hang of it now, ‘cause the other day that judge was all like “Blah blah blah, Britney’s allowed to see her sons more often now or whatever.” I was like dang; the timing’s awesome ‘cause now maybe Sean and Jayden are supposed to take me out and get me presents for Mother’s Day, right? (Mommy can always use more Louis Vuitton, if y’all are reading this.)

What’s funny to me is how some people make this big deal, like OMG it’s so hard to be a single working mom. Wanna know a secret? It’s totally not hard. The truth is you don’t even have to do much, ‘cause Kevin’s usually hanging out with them or they’re at baby school or whatever it is they do during the day – part of being a good mom is to respect your child’s privacy, so I try to stay out of their personal business.

Have you guys heard all this stuff about how the world’s gonna end in 2012 or whatever? I’m not the kinda girl who’s all up on current events or anything, but I think everyone should know about this story ‘cause the end of the world could affect all of us.

From what I know about it, the experts on 2012 have all these different ideas about what’s gonna happen. I think most people figure there’ll be a zombocalypse (zombie apocalypse), just ‘cause that sounds pretty scientific. That’s what I used to think too, but now I think I know how the world is really gonna end.

You guys, we need to talk about cougars before it’s too late.

A few days ago, there was a cougar on the prowl in the streets of Chicago! Luckily, the police were there to shoot him before he could murder everybody, but why did we even let him in? I think Chicago’s probably mostly farmland anyway, but what if he had decided he wanted to visit Hollywood instead? And what about all of his family and friends that are still out there? These are the questions we need to be asking, y’all.

Can someone who’s real smart about India please explain something to me: Why do they keep having all these crazy special power babies over there, and in America we never get any? Is there some pill they have that we don’t know about or something?

Seriously y’all, I was kinda jealous when I heard about the girl with like 800 arms or legs or whatever – that was pretty wild. And then I heard about this teenager in India who’s the size of a backpack, and she’s recordin’ albums with pop stars ‘n stuff. And then these other Indians just had a baby with two faces I guess? Did you guys even know that babies are allowed to have two faces?? Anyway, I didn’t.

You know what I was just thinkin’ about? Well first I was thinkin’ how it’s not fair that all dogs go to heaven. Or is that even true, or just a rumor? If I worked in Heaven, there are definitely some dogs I would make sure went straight to Hell; like the ones that are always staring at me like they know me? They don’t know me.

But then I was thinkin’ how maybe now that I’m sorta this wise and mature person, I should give some advice to my little sister Jamie Lynn. She could probably use it right now, and since we don’t talk much, I’ll just do it here.

Jamie Lynn,

Here’s all you need to remember: Babies think they know everything, but really they don’t – you probably know way more than a baby, even a smart one. Plus all they care about is themselves and when you’re gonna feed them n’ stuff, but you have to look out for yourself ‘cause it’s hard work being a mom. And if the lord gives you a crier, one trick I learned is that a baby can’t cry when he’s under water ;)

Aren’t y’all proud of me and how well I’m behaving? Isn’t it more fun to talk about  my fat sister being fat and engaged or whatever? Yes, it is.

So my dad and I have been talking about me doing more TV after everyone loved me in How I Met Your Mother. He says working in TV would help keep me out of trouble, I guess ‘cause he sees other actresses staying out of trouble.

The thing is, I already have lots of acting experience: Crossroads, that South Park episode… Plus, being a pop star and being an actress is pretty much the same thing; you’re just trying to see how many people you can get to want to either be you or have sex with you – or both.