This is like totally awkward with the BGOMS (bodyguard over my shoulder). Ugh, I guess he read that ‘cause I just heard him say he’s my dad, not my bodyguard.

Seriously, this is what it’s like to be me, y’all; everyone’s always tryin’ to be spies so they can talk about me like they know me, but they don’t know me — they only think they do (Dad!). Like remember how I was talking about that Molly Friedman internet girl? She thinks she’s like the ultimate spy, because now she’s telling everybody that I stole a lighter last December or something, even though I don’t remember anything like that.

I just think it’s funny that someone like Molly would go diggin’ through someone’s past like she did. Maybe if someone spied on Molly’s past, they’d find out that she was fired from Allure for taking makeup that she was supposed to put in the magazine and sellin’ it on Ebay. And maybe … okay I’m sorry y’all I just can’t concentrate when my dad keeps talking!

Whoa, I just turned around and there’s no one behind me. Whose voice have I been hearing this whole time?