It's not fair. Everyone else gets to be the Joker this Halloween except me. That costume rules. The outfit alone is awesomely sweet with the purple jacket and the green vest, and that's not even considering the wicked scar make-up.

But then when you wrap you brain around the fact that Heath's an actual ghost, and the white face make-up has like a double meaning, the costume is blown out of the stratosphere. Seriously it's on another galaxy where the best costumes of all-time live. Like the scream mask, the sexy nurse and a priest costume.

By my calculations, it's the best costume opportunity since Friday the 13th came out and everyone was Jason for 5 years straight.

Yes! Once again you've saved the day, cartoon Caped Crusader. DC Comics had to recall the latest issue of "All Star Batman and Robin" because Batman calls someone a 'cunt'.

You see, even though the domestic abuse charges were dropped against me, people were slagging me off. Saying I've ruined me career. Saying I'm unstable. Not fit to play Batman.

Who's not fit now?

Batman's a creature of the night. His parents are dead. He's in a hot rubber suit. These things are bound to make a bloke mad. And mad people say angry words. Especially when their sisters try to borrow money.

I'm more perfect than ever to play Batman. If Batman's calling people cunts in the books, how long before he hits his mother? Then my movies will be autobiographical, they will. He might even kill the Joker.

Luckily, I don't have to.

If you'll excuse me, I'm going to get drunk and beat a priest to death. Because I'm a role model.

Last week, I came upon one such article that really furrowed my bat-brow. In an interview with some low class Internet film site called 'MovieHole', a possibly intoxicated and high Robert Downey Jr. had this to say about my latest masterwork:

"My whole thing is that that I saw 'The Dark Knight'. I feel like I'm dumb because I feel like I don't get how many things that are so smart. It's like a Ferrari engine of storytelling and script writing and I'm like, 'That's not my idea of what I want to see in a movie.' I loved 'The Prestige' but didn't understand 'The Dark Knight'. Didn't get it, still can't tell you what happened in the movie, what happened to the character and in the end they need him to be a bad guy. I'm like, 'I get it. This is so high brow and so fucking smart, I clearly need a college education to understand this movie.' You know what? Fuck DC Comics. That's all I have to say and that's where I'm really coming from."

Yes, as my former assistant attested, I do have a "troubled soul." The complete truth of the matter is I am Patrick Bateman. You know the douchy character from American Psycho that exfoliates his skin with 14 types of cucumber rubs and slaughters people while discussing Huey Lewis and the News albums?

Somehow after doing Pyscho, former Christian Bale and Patrick Bateman switched bodies forever. It was a lot like that comedy with Jamie Lee Curtis Freaky Friday -- only way way more sinister.

The reason I stay so hidden is because if I tell people that I want to stab them to death and play around with their blood, it might be hard to land summer blockbusters. But for one time only, I will take reader questions:

Christian, I fell in love with you in Newsies. Even though you were so young, I could tell you had such a strong, bold personality. You have way more substance and depth than other big screen leading men.  -- Paula, Hartford CT

Paula, are you a blonde? No, a blonde wouldn’t sound so fucking desperate. Here’s what you do. Buy some peroxide and immediately dye your hair. Draw a bath and put on an Annie Lenox album. Notice the sleek, synthetic pop beat and robotic, repetitive lyrics. I’ll be over in 20 minutes with further instruction. 

I heard you lost 60 pounds for you role in the Machinist. That must have been hard. What did you cut out of your diet? -- Candy, San Diego

Trans-fats. Complex carbs. Fat women like you.

I’m thinking about getting a new business card. What is more important: legibility or a snazzy design? -- Mike, Brooklyn

I would love to take your inquiry seriously, but that’s very difficult when your ignorance pervades you like the stink of death. There are far too many factors to make this a simple form versus function question: centering, chrome-letter backing, card stock quality, etc. You might as well ask what's more important to one's life fulfillment -- a rewarding job or a loving relationship.