Yes, as my former assistant attested, I do have a "troubled soul." The complete truth of the matter is I am Patrick Bateman. You know the douchy character from American Psycho that exfoliates his skin with 14 types of cucumber rubs and slaughters people while discussing Huey Lewis and the News albums?

Somehow after doing Pyscho, former Christian Bale and Patrick Bateman switched bodies forever. It was a lot like that comedy with Jamie Lee Curtis Freaky Friday -- only way way more sinister.

The reason I stay so hidden is because if I tell people that I want to stab them to death and play around with their blood, it might be hard to land summer blockbusters. But for one time only, I will take reader questions:

Christian, I fell in love with you in Newsies. Even though you were so young, I could tell you had such a strong, bold personality. You have way more substance and depth than other big screen leading men.  -- Paula, Hartford CT

Paula, are you a blonde? No, a blonde wouldn’t sound so fucking desperate. Here’s what you do. Buy some peroxide and immediately dye your hair. Draw a bath and put on an Annie Lenox album. Notice the sleek, synthetic pop beat and robotic, repetitive lyrics. I’ll be over in 20 minutes with further instruction. 

I heard you lost 60 pounds for you role in the Machinist. That must have been hard. What did you cut out of your diet? -- Candy, San Diego

Trans-fats. Complex carbs. Fat women like you.

I’m thinking about getting a new business card. What is more important: legibility or a snazzy design? -- Mike, Brooklyn

I would love to take your inquiry seriously, but that’s very difficult when your ignorance pervades you like the stink of death. There are far too many factors to make this a simple form versus function question: centering, chrome-letter backing, card stock quality, etc. You might as well ask what's more important to one's life fulfillment -- a rewarding job or a loving relationship.

The thing I like about your acting is that you really seem to jump into the skin of the characters you portray. Is that taxing psychologically? -- Hector, Miami

Your wording is interesting, Hector. Although it’s been tried in the fictional film Silence of the Lambs, I do believe a skin suit is possible. I’m working on one exclusively of Filipino secretaries.

Christian, I read in an interview that you love to read! I do too!! What’s your favorite book? --Bonnie, Oklahoma City

I only feel alive when I kill. I eat souls like cashews.