Last week, I came upon one such article that really furrowed my bat-brow. In an interview with some low class Internet film site called 'MovieHole', a possibly intoxicated and high Robert Downey Jr. had this to say about my latest masterwork:

"My whole thing is that that I saw 'The Dark Knight'. I feel like I'm dumb because I feel like I don't get how many things that are so smart. It's like a Ferrari engine of storytelling and script writing and I'm like, 'That's not my idea of what I want to see in a movie.' I loved 'The Prestige' but didn't understand 'The Dark Knight'. Didn't get it, still can't tell you what happened in the movie, what happened to the character and in the end they need him to be a bad guy. I'm like, 'I get it. This is so high brow and so fucking smart, I clearly need a college education to understand this movie.' You know what? Fuck DC Comics. That's all I have to say and that's where I'm really coming from."

I would love to have the opportunity to chat with you over an espresso at Dolce sometime to try and clear up the plot and thematic points of the film that you did not understand, however, as I recall you have unfortunately been banned from the establishment since 1992, when you were discovered in the restroom overdosing on Anthony Michael Hall. Additionally, we might have difficulty conversing, as I am not quite familiar with the language you are speaking in the above quote.

Considering these and other factors, I would like to present to you, in the most straightforward and simple language possible, some of the key points of the film:

I'm Batman. Batman has rule - Batman not kill. Batman good. Harvey good. Batman love Maggie Gyllenhall. Harvey love Maggie Gyllenhall. Joker bad. Joker kill people. Batman angry. Batman fight Joker. Harvey fight Joker. Joker kill Maggie Gyllenhall. Joker hurt Harvey bad. Poor Harvey. Harvey bad. Harvey kill people. Batman fight Joker. Batman stop Joker but not kill Joker. Batman try stop Harvey. Batman kill Harvey on accident. Batman run away.

I'm sure that now that you understand the premise of the film, you can join the rest of humanity in celebrating the triumph of this film, especially my brave and profound portrayal of the caped crusader.

However, I have a sneaking bat-suspicion based upon the abovementioned interview that your recent "string" of successes may have over-inflated an ego that had no business being inflated in the first place, and I wanted to take this bat-opportunity to kick this to the curb, as I might my grandmother.

You see, in the roles I’ve played over my career, I have endeavored to transform myself into characters totally unlike myself in form, personality and motivation, whereas you are a "recovering" addict who plays "recovering" addicts.

Take, for instance, one of your two successes of late, in which you play the recovering addict and mustached fop Tony Stark, the hero known as Iron Man.

Though any true aficionado of the graphic novel medium would without doubt choose Batman over Iron Man as the superior hero, you seem to be under the mistaken impression that somehow Iron Man is better than Batman.

Well, I'll tell you something, Mr. Downey Jr.—so did my sister. And I beat her savagely.