via Flickr

Governator this is your warning. Be cool son. Do you really want to tussle with C-Walk? MOW!

Little known fact: Christopher Walken is about banging sluts, whacking beers and taking names. I can shotgun this six-pack in under 45 seconds, so that is about all the time you have until I bring the pain.

I can’t back that up. Christopher Walken is a puppy dog. But there was a time when I was a real hellraiser, back when I was a Pike at Hofstra. Those were some wild days.

Nowadays, most people wouldn’t peg me for a Pike. Most people peg me for a vampire or a baby killer. I’ll admit, I’ve changed a bit since college. It might have had something to do with our semi-formal my junior year. We spent a four-day weekend in Cancun stabbing hoes and yelling “College!” It was awesome. But someone forgot to get a dog-sitter for Butkus, our house bulldog. When we got back to the house, we found Butkus dead on the kitchen floor. He had tried to chew his leg off to get untangled from his chain.

Ever since then, I’ve been a little withdrawn and eccentric (See:Deer Hunter). People think I must be deep or cryptic, but I really just can’t get that damn dog out of my head. Don’t get me wrong, I can still throw down “like a champ,” as they say. You can chew the leg off a dog, but you can’t chew the dog off a leg (either the dog or the leg in this analogy represents my ability to throw down — I’m not sure which).

Being a Pike pays life dividends, even here in Hollywood. I like to toss it in real casual, like “Oh, we had this same dartboard in the house at Hofstra.”

The house?

What house?

“Ohhhh, you were in a fraternity?!?” they say. “Yeah, Pike for life,” I say. Then they know I can kick it doggystyle.

I remember having a drink with Spielberg in the summer of ‘02 when we were ramping up for Catch Me If You Can with Leo DiCaprio. I dropped that little nugget on him. Spielberg was like, “You were in a fraternity? Me too!”

Ok, Steve-O. “You mean the Jewish one, right?” I said. Like that counts. I’m Jewish, and I wouldn’t even go to their foam party.

People that didn’t go Greek just don’t understand it. I used to be tight with the Governator, but he’s being a total dick about having these brothers prosecuted for hazing. They were making their pledges do calisthenics! They were probably doing those pudgy little fucks a favor. In my day we had to carry a porcupine to class every day for a week just to get a brother’s signature. In our asshole! And I already had a pocket watch in there!

Fucking pledges.