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Christopher Walken’s Blog

My guide to spending free time: A lesson in civility and class

By Christopher Walken

Bio & Blog

Prophecy
Photo courtesy of IMDB.com

My buddy Travolta likes to tell people that acting is the hardest job in the world.

He is an asshole.

Acting is easy. It’s just saying words and moving body parts. Sometimes climbing a tree or digging a hole. Easy. Sometimes I don’t even know I am acting. Half of the footage from The Prophecy was just me storming around, pissed off because I hadn’t wiped as well as I probably should’ve. Those camera guys just followed me around and poked me with a stick to get me even more agitated. If you’ve seen the film, you’ll remember that this ploy worked, because I threw a fit and started eating souls. No special effects.

Anyway, the point is that acting is a joke, so I have a lot of free time. So, without further ado, here is Christopher Walken’s guide to spending free time:

1. I like to go into downtown L.A. and wander into a busy office building. I will step onto a crowded elevator. As the elevator ascends, people will start getting off at their floors, and those remaining will shuffle around in a sad little effort to maximize personal space. But I will hold my ground. I will stand pat. And I will inevitably trap a young lady in the corner. And when she says “scuse” and tries to squeeze by, I will scream “AHHHH! HOT WATER BURNS BABY!”. That’s always the best part. I will ride up and down and do this for some time.

2. At some point, I will grow tired of hot-water-burns-baby time. Then I will exit the elevator at one of the floors and wander into a cubicle. I will mash the keyboard like I am doing work. When the proper cubicle occupant arrives, I will turn towards him with flames in my eyes. I’ll say “You are seriously considering spending eight hours a day in this box for the next forty fucking years?!? Are you fucking kidding me?!?” He will try to speak, but no words will come. So I will spit in his mouth and storm out. Trust me, I did him a favor. Except for that spit part, that was gross.

3. I will eventually leave the office. I’ll walk around aimlessly until I see a lady pushing a baby carriage. I will lean over the carriage and ask the baby for a light. I will not address the mother, and I will ignore her embarrassed entreaties to help me. When the baby proves useless, I will look him in the eye and tell him “Baby! Unless you achieve mastery of fire, you shall never have any hope of achieving penetration with a suitable mate.”

4. I’m usually tired out after that baby part, so sometimes I’ll come home and write some stupid words for a stupid website.

10/12/2007 2:00 PM, Los Angeles
9 comments

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Comments

Marc Savoy:

How do I know any of it is true? How do even know that this has anything to do with that scary acting guy who
plays the same exact character in every film?

No, I'm sorry. I say this is all a hoax.

Hey, folks! Hi. I'm Elvis, Elvis Presley and you're nothing but a hound dog. Not only have you never caught a rabbit but
neither are you a friend of mine. Thank kewwwwwww.
Thank kewwwww vera much.

Hey Folks, its the Elvis Presley blog!

See? See how easy it is to create blog that is supposedly
hosted by someone claiming to be a celebrity???
Like I said, this blog is not actually by that scary acting guy. Case closed.

10/12/2007 9:04 PM

another marc:

Speaking as a fellow Marc-with-a-C, I'd like to distance myself from the previous Marc, and also to assure burr that fucking some Marcs-with-a-C up the ass is not actually a punishment.

10/12/2007 11:34 PM

Ryan:

Hello Christopher,

I wanted to say thankyou to you, and this is as close as I will ever get. I play pool with some buddies, and occasionally, when I am losing, I think of the pool movie you were in .. Poolhall Junkies. There is a scene in there where you give a pep talk, related to lions and jackals...

In any case, in one pool series, I was losing .. I needed to win three straight games in order to win the series. $200 on the line, plus the tab (which was big.) I said to my opponent "You ever see Poolhall Junkies? I am about to pull a Christopher Walken, and not only beat you, but beat you bad." And I did.

Ever since, if I mention "Christopher Walken", my buddies get nervous. And I typically win, though I only reserve that for special occasions.

In any case, thanks for that scene.

10/12/2007 10:04 PM

burr:

marc i will fuck you in the ass...not for your unfriendly and uninformed comments, but because you spell marc with a "c", who the fuck do you think you are

10/12/2007 10:17 PM

John Doe:

Laughed so hard I cried...

10/12/2007 5:07 PM

John Travolta:

Marc Savoy, it goddamn IS my friend Chris' site. Who the hell are you, anyway?

10/12/2007 9:33 PM

JRapoport:

Great stuff

10/12/2007 7:17 PM

Chris Davies:

Truly Mr. Walken, you are as weird and as eccentric a character in real life, as you play on screen.

My hat's off to you.

Travolta's hats don't fit any more, so his is off too. Whether it's for you, or Xenu is unknown, however.

10/12/2007 9:08 PM

Camille T. White:

Wow and how. I may in fact love you. Brilliant.

1/14/2008 8:25 PM