My buddy Travolta likes to tell people that acting is the hardest job in the world.
He is an asshole.
Acting is easy. It’s just saying words and moving body parts. Sometimes climbing a tree or digging a hole. Easy. Sometimes I don’t even know I am acting. Half of the footage from The Prophecy was just me storming around, pissed off because I hadn’t wiped as well as I probably should’ve. Those camera guys just followed me around and poked me with a stick to get me even more agitated. If you’ve seen the film, you’ll remember that this ploy worked, because I threw a fit and started eating souls. No special effects.
Anyway, the point is that acting is a joke, so I have a lot of free time. So, without further ado, here is Christopher Walken’s guide to spending free time:
1. I like to go into downtown L.A. and wander into a busy office building. I will step onto a crowded elevator. As the elevator ascends, people will start getting off at their floors, and those remaining will shuffle around in a sad little effort to maximize personal space. But I will hold my ground. I will stand pat. And I will inevitably trap a young lady in the corner. And when she says “scuse” and tries to squeeze by, I will scream “AHHHH! HOT WATER BURNS BABY!”. That’s always the best part. I will ride up and down and do this for some time.
2. At some point, I will grow tired of hot-water-burns-baby time. Then I will exit the elevator at one of the floors and wander into a cubicle. I will mash the keyboard like I am doing work. When the proper cubicle occupant arrives, I will turn towards him with flames in my eyes. I’ll say “You are seriously considering spending eight hours a day in this box for the next forty fucking years?!? Are you fucking kidding me?!?” He will try to speak, but no words will come. So I will spit in his mouth and storm out. Trust me, I did him a favor. Except for that spit part, that was gross.
3. I will eventually leave the office. I’ll walk around aimlessly until I see a lady pushing a baby carriage. I will lean over the carriage and ask the baby for a light. I will not address the mother, and I will ignore her embarrassed entreaties to help me. When the baby proves useless, I will look him in the eye and tell him “Baby! Unless you achieve mastery of fire, you shall never have any hope of achieving penetration with a suitable mate.”
4. I’m usually tired out after that baby part, so sometimes I’ll come home and write some stupid words for a stupid website.