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Christopher Walken’s Blog

Hipsters lack butts, ethos

By Christopher Walken

Bio & Blog

I grew up in New York City, and I used to run around Brooklyn quite a bit as a youth, but it has been a while since I actually took a walk around Williamsburg and said words to people and listened to their words in return. I endeavored to do so last weekend, and found out that my old stomping grounds have become a festering dung heap of irony.

I challenge you to examine the following syllogism and dispute its inevitable conclusion:

Premise 1:
Hipsters look disgusting. It appears to me that they dress in a manner intended to obscure those few remnants of sexuality that haven’t fallen casualty to their inactive lifestyle and lax hygiene.

Hipster
Image courtesy of flickr

Premise 2:
Hipsters have these funny flat bumbums. Those hindquarters are useless. I know about their silly little bottoms because a few of these ninnies auditioned their extended backs for the role of my gentelmanly rump in my new film. Nice try douchebags, maybe another year’s worth of PBRs will help you fill out.

Hipster Bumbum
Image courtesy of flickr

Premise 3:
Hipsters have babydicks. Sorry gang, excuse my language. Let me rephrase: Hipsters have ironic genitalia.

Premise 4:
Hipsters are not providers. Every time a hipster breathes, America’s GDP pees a little. However, hipsters’ counter-establishment vitriol remains fully subsidized by their well-established parents, who don’t know what else to offer their preternaturally hip offspring than a credit card and the occasional “Nice t-shirt…I like how it has words and colors.”

Premise 5:
Inexplicably, it seems that hipsters manage to get laid. Fairly often, actually. During my evening out in Williamsburg, I saw not less than three cute little riot grrls walking home, each with her own filthy pet hipster, hand dug deep into his flat-bottom pocket, conveying a clear intention to accept an imminent deposit of hipseed. Gross.

Back Pocket
Image courtesy of flickr

Conclusion:
Despite all of their selective disadvantages, hipsters manage to procreate fairly efficiently. Accordingly, it seems that hipsters buck the tenets of Darwinism and constitute the missing link of Intelligent Design doctrine. However, if we accept the corollary that man is created in the image of God, we must also accept the meta-conclusion that Jesus was a hipster fuck who spent most of this time cruising Nazareth dive bars, bumming cigarettes and running PBR tabs on the Holy Father’s Mastercard.

Fuck you, hipster Jesus. Get a job.

11/27/2007 2:34 PM, Los Angeles
9 comments

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Comments

soxs:

Hipsters blog was great, especially fitting in other areas of our nation, the illness is in every state, need of pencillion might cure, maybe not.

11/28/2007 5:53 PM

Gene:

I GOTTA HAVE MORE COWBELL!

11/29/2007 9:23 PM

burr:

whats with the title change..."fuck you hipster jesus" a little too real for ya? i'm disappointed in your lack of backbone mr. walken, but impressed with your vocabulary. there are many words in this blog--words like syllogism, preternaturally, and genitalia--that i don't understand but that i laugh at in order to disguise my crippling metal retardation.

11/29/2007 11:02 PM

hipster hunter:

The hipster scourge is spreading like the bubonic plague throughout the world. I have taken it upon myself to hunt them down, photograph and classify this vile species like vampire and saquatch hunters before me. Check out:

http://hipsterhunter.com

12/1/2007 6:28 PM

Camille T. White:

I live in the land of useless hipsters and laughed my ass off at this post.
Christopher, damn it! Yes!

1/14/2008 8:02 PM

Michael Grant Smith:

"Hipsters have ironic genitalia."

What a great line. Captured in a collection of great words grouped together into similarly great lines.

Merry Christmas, Mr. Walken. Thank you.

12/24/2007 12:41 PM

Christopher Thompson:

What's this? Is Mr. Walken a hipster? The only sure fire way to be a hipster is to complain about hipsters.

11/28/2007 2:23 AM

Ginger:

entertaining read. I especially like the ending!

12/21/2007 11:39 PM

Nathaniel D:

Mr. Walken

Do I smell a little jealousy?

Hipsters as you call them, if you are following the norm, al mostly vegetarian, pro recycle and don't really cause much trouble at all.

Someone needs to broaden their horizon

3/10/2008 10:21 PM