My other resolution was somewhat ambitious. I grow increasingly stifled by this insipid Groper of News, and I feel that I must branch out into the tubes. I have resolved to launch my own successful website.

I looked first to some of the more popular sites for inspiration. My first mindstorm was nothing short of brilliant. Imagine, a website devoted solely to the auction of delicious babies. I would call it:

However, while this site would undoubtedly be an unqualified success, I felt that the ability to charge succulent babies to my PayPal account would simply be too indulgent. Where is the thrill of the carriage-swipe? The crib-snatch? No, I will not be launching eBaby anytime soon. We will all just have to stick to our conventional baby procurement methods.

My next idea, however, was almost as brilliant:

Imagine being able to search the world for that one person whose worldview stands in polar opposition to your own. Then imagine, for a small fee, being able to send your nemesis clever little icons representing roadkill or burning feces. Don’t stamp it out, Tyra!

Hmm. This seemed a little mean-spirited. My heart was not really in this site either. So I thought to myself: “Chris, what is is that makes everyone on the internet happy?”

Of course: vaginas!

I resolved to launch the definitive pornography search engine. I would call it:

Ogle would unabashedly track and record each and every dirty little thing you browsed, viewed, and discussed for the rest of your life. But nobody would really care because it would seem like such a nice, friendly company :)

Then, when Ogle gained a seemingly insurmountable market share, I would make a half-hearted power play with a new naughty bits search engine, bolstered by promises like: “The algorithm can find those girls another cup.” Yup, you guessed it:

I got a little hung up on seemingly infinite possibilities for these dirty search engines. My mind raced through Craigs’tits, Ya-ho, and Facialbook, until I inevitably began to hate myself. I didn’t want to hate myself. I wanted to love myself. So I did. I settled on the launch of the ultimate guide to me:

Incidentally, this launch would involve very little work on my behalf. I could simply mirror IMDB.com, as I have been cast in roles of varying degrees in every movie of the talkie era.

Unfortunately, after all this brainstorming, I realized that my Etch-A-Sketch was not actually generating HTML (nice tip, Travolta). I really have no idea how to launch any of these sites. But if you think any of my ideas have promise, be sure to share them on some of my favorite sites for news and tacit racism: