So I finally got my tax rebate check last Friday. They had some trouble processing my taxes because in the section where they ask you to declare any children you might have, I wrote: "Do leftovers count?"
Anywho, this rebate is delightful. It is like free money. I did not have to work for it. I did not have to stand in front of that eye and those bright lights and say words from the cards. I hate that part. I prefer the part where they send me to my trailer and I sit motionless on the edge of the bed and ruminate on the essential futility of life. Then someone comes in and gives me a sandwich for in my mouth.
But I digress. I am going to do my part for America with this free money. I am going to go outside when the sun is up and exchange the money for goods and services like how humans do. I am not sure what to get. Maybe you have a suggestion? Here are some ideas I have had thus far:
1. A polygraph machine
I would like to purchase one of these and hook it up to some fucker who isn't really my friend but always smiles at me with their stupid face. I would like to ask them uncomfortable questions like "Have you ever thought about cheating on your wife?" or "Where would you NOT like me to put this pinecone?" I think it would also be funny to hook it up to a baby and keep yelling "Are you a cop?!?! Are you a snitch?!?" right in his funny little face. I probably wouldn't eat that one, especially if it was a cop.
2. A Realdoll.
This is an extremely realistic sex doll. I do not need it for sexual purposes, but I think it would be amusing to keep it folded up in my trunk at all times next to my hibachi.
3. A giant cowbell
To shut up these motherfuckers once and for all.
[Images courtesy of flickr users spiralstares, leeroy_17, liz switzer]