Image courtesy of user PJZ at flickr.com

Hey gang. I want to tell you about an interesting encounter I had with my young nephew Brian. He is a code ninja for a software startup in Los Angeles. I was having a nice visit with him, and he was telling me about artificial intelligence. He claimed that a well-written algorithm could approximate a human personality almost perfectly. I asked him if he could write an algorithm to approximate his Uncle Chris’ peculiarities. After a few minutes, he presented me with the following snippet of what he called “pseudocode:”

The News Groper editors told met that Al Sharpton found some blog on Internet #7 that was funnier than any of ours. It’s called Stuff White People Like, and it is pretty self-explanatory. They demanded that we parrot its style, but make it specific to our own ethnicity, to keep it fresh.

The editors then claimed that I am Jewish. I told them that I am the ruinous Angel of Death and bowed before no false idols. I explained that I am immortal. They said that — while they believed that I was an extraordinary person with an extraordinary message — my claims of immortality were exaggerated. Jews always say that shit.

Anyway, I don’t think I am really Jewish, but I am up for dressing up another installment of I Hate A Specific Demographic. I did a little bit of research into this subject when I delivered the commencement address at Hofstra, my alma mater. I interacted a great deal with the graduates, and this is what I found among the young chosen:

1. Jews like to experiment with other college majors before inevitably settling on law and medicine like their dads. They like to try out psychology and sociology. Consequently, Jews are eternally grateful that a wasted and directionless life can be salvaged by a good LSAT score or a year in a Caribbean pre-med diploma mill.

2. Jews like Jurassic 5 and Talib Kweli. They like hip-hop music and black people in general, but love that J5 and Talib actually “say something.”

Image courtesy of user MarkWallace at flickr

3. Jews love to point out the fact that 5′ 9″ is the average height for a man. Concurrently, they love to claim that they are 5′ 9″.

Image courtesy of Jennifer Esperanza at flickr

Everyone knows that the upcoming presidential election is a referendum on change. Sadly, if you were to imagine the liberal-conservative spectrum as your FM radio dial, all of the leading candidates—Obama, Clinton, and even McCain—could fit comfortably in the political bandwidth between 103.7 Easy Listening and 103.9 Smooth Jazz (yes, that is right of center on your dial). So, it is presumably important to highlight the few salient differences between them. I would like to focus on Obama’s “emphasis hand” during speeches:

Image courtesy of j-a-x at flickr

Obama emphasizes his talking points with a tight and focused finger-jab in the general direction of the audience. I like to refer to this as the “choosing a snack from a vending machine” hand. It is in stark contrast to the emphasis hand employed by the Clintons, which I refer to as the “coinflip” hand (though it is also commonly known as “the Jeopardy clicker”):

Images courtesy of Mikasi & Gregers Reimann at flickr

Image courtesy of Match.com

Well, gang, my Match.com adventure was short and strange, but I think I’d like to celebrate Valentine’s Day by returning to my Georgiana and assuring her that these 20-somethings have nothing on her. I do have a bit of advice for Matchers regarding their profiles, however:

1. Stop saying that your passions include “living every day to the fullest.” That is not a passion. That is the modus operandi of every human being on the planet who is not suicidal. If you are suicidal, say that instead, it is actually more interesting.

2. Stop saying that you are “as comfortable sipping a martini in a chic lounge” as you are “curled up on the couch watching a movie.” I imagine you sitting at the computer as you type that sentence, wrapped in a quilt, nursing a cappucino, and fancying yourself the most cosmopolitan enigma that man has ever had the unenviable challenge of trying to solve. EVERYONE LIKES DOING DIFFERENT FUCKING THINGS ON DIFFERENT FUCKING NIGHTS. YOU ARE NOT A PUZZLE.

Image courtesy of member hiddenloops at flickr.com

Hey gang. I had my first Match.com date over the weekend, at a nice little place Travolta suggested on Times Square called Ruby Tuesday. I used a little Walkman to record it so I could play it for my Georgianne and show her that I still got it with the ladies. You be the judge:

Me: Hello friend.

Jenny: Hi, I’m Jennifer, but you can call me Jenny.

Me: Hello Jenny.

Jenny: Sooooo … what do you do?

Me: I am an Immortal Knight of the Apocalypse. I feast on the young and breathe life into all those that hate. I also host SNL periodically. They like my colors and sounds. What about you?

Jenny: Wow, that is neato! I am an administrative assistant at a real estate agency in Great Neck. It’s your standard office, but me and the girls make it fun!

Me: Administrative assistant? Is that like a secretary?

Jenny: No, silly, you aren’t supposed to say that! It’s much different!

My Georgianne told me she thought I was too old to pull young tail. I’ll show her. Check out my new Match profile, send me a “wink” if it gets you a little wet.

Images courtesy of Match.com & IMDB.com

Image via of Reuters

It appears that researchers at Rice University have synthesized a material that is blacker than anything else in the world. Made from carbon nanotubes, the material absorbs more than 99.9% of light shone on it. The National Institute of Standards & Technology claim that this constitutes significantly more absorption than their previous standard-bearer, my buddy Djimon Hounsou. Djimon only absords 99.8% of incident light. Better luck next year, pal.