Associated Press

I like hanging out with hip people at jazz clubs. Hip people like to take turns saying things that they rehearsed in their minds earlier in the night, or even in the shower earlier in the day. One of things that hip people say most often is, “I love John Coltrane, but I actually prefer his earlier work, before he became so focused on bebop.”

When hip people say this to me, I nod because they are probably right. I don’t know. I don’t like jazz music. I think that I would prefer John Coltrane’s earliest work, around his second or third year, because I really like little black babies. I think they are the best of all babies. I think that I would like little Johnny Coltrane’s finger-painting. Except that probably when he turned four, he would just get too hypertechnical with them and draw only gray and blue squares. So probably his earliest work would be best.

After almost 40 years working on films like The Deer Hunter, Pulp Fiction, and Joe Dirt, I have been accorded a certain status in Hollywood, a status that comes with its perks. You may have noticed that my agent has secured me an open-ended contract with Lorne Michaels and the SNL gang, whereby I am free to come host the show whenever another more topical celebrity cancels or has to go to rehab. With Zach Braff fulfilling his commitment in the finale of SNL’s 32nd season (appearing despite damning reports that his cutesy charm had completely worn off), I had to pinch hit only 11 times this year.