Ordinarily, I’m not one to assign the New Year as the one time to make resolutions; I’ll make a resolution whenever the need presents itself. In that way, I’m a bit like the narrator in the popular 50 Cent song, the one in which he makes it clear that he intends to drink Bacardi as if it were your birthday, when in fact he cares little whether it is indeed your birthday or not. That it happens to be the New Year when I’m deciding to make a resolution is purely coincidental.

My resolution is this: Be prepared next time I’m going to a condolence book signing. Perhaps this doesn’t sound like something that warrants making a resolution, but I don’t think I could survive a repeat of last week when I went unprepared to Benazir Bhutto’s signing and ended up taking over an hour to write something.

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It would seem to me that, as we commence with the Middle East peace conference in Annapolis this week, the American people might find it a prudent time to engage in a national dialogue, a dialogue in which we might consider our objectives abroad, and how peace and stability in the Middle East might be achieved. It would not, however, strike me as a good time to focus on Condi-Scorpions.

Photo via Sparkle Pony.

Let me preface this by clarifying that the Condi-Scorpion is by no means a novel idea; Kyle Gibson drew the first one on the chalkboard in second grade. Oh, that made me so mad that I almost wanted to, I don’t know, sting him with neurotoxic venom or something.

Associated Press

I may get fat and old, and the day might come where I have a pathetic intro on my website about a new line of fashion baseball caps I’m hawking, but I will always be your Secretary of State.

I am not rattled in the least bit by Gonzo’s resignation. He simply caved in to the pressure — something I will never do.

In fact, when it comes time for Condi to leave office, the Democrats better bring Janet Reno and an army of trigger-happy ATF agents ‘cause I ain’t ever leaving.

They’ll have to pull my Department of State executive washroom key from my cold, dead, fingers.

Alberto phoned me right before he made the announcement and asked me if I still had his “Walker, Texas Ranger” DVD. I think it was just an excuse to chat — the guy’s been a bit lonely since the Senate hearings commenced.

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Here at the State Department we’ve been thinking about how to repair our image around the world. We wanted to show the world that we’re serious about working together through diplomacy to solve the world’s most pressing issues, by hiring a well respected foreign policy expert and diplomat. And then for some reason we just picked Cal Ripken Jr. instead.

Associated Press

I’ve heard some disturbing talk about my current trip to the Middle East suggesting that America isn’t serious, that we aren’t truly committed to achieving peace between Israel and Palestine. For instance, this piece in a British newspaper:

From The Guardian (8/2/07):

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Apparently Don Cheadle has been criticizing my handling of the genocide in Darfur in public appearances recently. Well guess what Don, how about you take a break from your opulent Hollywood lifestyle and go do something about it yourself, instead of complaining to me.

Associated Press

I’m actually glad the San Francisco Chronicle ran a story about my inability to get an op-ed published in any newspaper in the world. Because a lot of stuff like this has been happening lately, and it’s beginning to worry me.