News Groper's celebrity bloggers are on indefinite strike. While we negotiate (indefinitely), check out Easy LOL to follow comedians on Twitter.

Dalai Lama’s Blog

The Dalai Lama is the supreme leader of Tibetan Buddhism and a living incarnation of Buddha. A veritable Yoda for the New Age masses, the Dalai Lama has attracted such fans as Richerd Gere, Pope John Paul II and the spiritual master himself, Steven Segal. The current Dalai Lama, Tenzin Gyatso, has served the post for over 70 years. His popularity has been attributed to his fairness, open-mindedness and above all, an intense hugability.

Richard Gere cheated on me

By Dalai Lama

I knew this day would come. It hurts to see you with another man. I know I took you for granted, sweet Dick, but did you have to embarrass me in public with all those cameras recording your filthy transgressions? 

What does Desmond Tutu have that I don’t? I know he’s not more spiritually endowed than I am. (We measured once at a Nobel laureate conference.)

Your therapist was right. You crave strong male spiritual figures to compensate for your father’s shortcomings. But do you really think you’ll find strength with a man named “Tutu?” And a Christian nonetheless! I never figured you for the type.

Well, you know what they say, “Once you go Christ, you’re always enticed.”

I shouldn’t have neglected you. Remember when we used to play “Buddha and the Bandit?” Those were good times. Come back to me, Dick.

4/11/2008 9:35 AM, Dharamsala, India
5 comments

Beware of the Buddha Crackers!

By Dalai Lama

Bio & Blog

I almost soiled my robe while reading a recent Pew survey on religion. It found that 53% of Buddhists in America are white! This dilutes the coolness of Buddhism, which needs mysterious Asian faces for its exotic appeal. Listen, white boys, I don’t go around worshiping Jesus and pretending to like Wes Anderson films, so don’t pee in my pool!

I’ll give the Buddha Crackers one thing: they’ve figured out that Christianity is B.S. Take Easter, for example. Is that bunny supposed to be hiding eggs filled with resurrected Jesuses? What’s the plural of Jesus? Damn, what a confusing religion. And so many rules! Buddhism only has four rules:

1) Don’t suffer
2) Clean your plate
3) “Two and a Half Men” is not funny
4) No crackers allowed!

4/9/2008 10:53 AM, Dharamsala, India
4 comments

Single Asian male seeks wannabe Buddhist female

By Dalai Lama

Bio & Blog

It’s lonely without an ego. I’ve forgotten how to truly live. You know, walking on the beach, drinking a robust glass of wine, peeking from behind the curtains of an Embassy Suites to watch two slender American girls splash each other in a moonlit pool. Instant Dalai-wood!

Don’t get me wrong, I’m as celibate as a Mormon eunuch. But sometimes you have to put your vows to the test. Nothing evokes a battle with Mara, the evil one, like a whiff of cucumber body lotion on a Pilates instructor.

I just don’t get that kind of attention in Asia. Everyone there is a Buddhist or some other exotic Asian religion. But American girls get me. I’m the bad boy their parents warn them about.

Don’t worry, Mom and Dad, my danger-bits are shackled by the almighty Buddha. I’m just looking for a little companionship. If you’re an overly-educated white American female who supports a free Tibet and is willing to engage in a little aura petting, give me a call.
 

4/7/2008 9:31 AM, Dharamsala, India
6 comments

Get ready for the Lama-lympics!

By Dalai Lama

Bio & Blog

Sieg Heil, Chancellor Merkel! Lots of Lama love to you, my German dumpling, for announcing your boycott of the Bejing Olympics. Now that you've pulled out, come spend your wad of Deutschemarks right here in Dharamsala, India, site of the 2008 Lama-lympics!

Due to my testy relationship with those ass-cranks in the Chinese government, I can’t officially call for an Olympic boycott. However, no one said I couldn’t hold my own competition! Check out the line-up of events:

  • Extreme Meditation. Competitors must keep their focus while being subjected to electrified nipple clamps and artfully-arranged pyramids of naked Swedish girls. (Currently seeking U.S. expertise)
  • Speed Yak-Milking. Celibate monks take out their frustrations by stroking yak utters at a disturbing pace.
  • Non-violent Hockey. The audience mindfully stares at an empty sheet of ice for two hours.
  • Reincarnation Relays. Souls are passed from teammate to teammate as they race up a winding staircase. 
4/3/2008 12:28 PM, Dharamsala, India
6 comments

China, don't pee in my bowl and tell me it's egg drop soup

By Dalai Lama

Bio & Blog

Well, well, well, China. Look who’s crawling back to Daddy Dalai.

Just a few days ago you were calling me a viper and accusing me of master-minding the riots. Now you want us to work together? Allow me to momentarily suspend my vow of compassion and say the following: suck it!

I mean, this is the biggest flip-flop since Madonna converted to Kabbalah. You’re so flaky that maybe we should hold our negotiations at the Pink Lotus Martini Bar in North Hollywood. Furthermore, you say you will only cooperate if I abandon the cause of Tibetan independence. Yeah right….I suppose Richard Gere will finally shave his girly locks and take a vow of abstinence!

4/1/2008 9:07 AM, India
3 comments

Hey China: I'm the rubber, you're the glue

By Dalai Lama

Bio & Blog

I’m live-blogging Spring Break from da beach, my Dalai-Dolls. (I’m trying out new names for my fans.) I’ve had like, seventeen Gin Fizzes today. Those things go straight to your head. Good thing I’ve transcended my ego, or I’d have a wicked hangover tomorrow.

Normally I don’t work on vacay, but I had to respond to China’s recent verbal attacks against me. They called me “a wolf in a monk’s robe” and “a monster with a human face.” Then they blamed the recent violence on “the Dalai clique.” Are you, like, seventeen, China? Did someone snub you at the mall?

3/20/2008 12:24 PM, Daytona Beach
login or register to post comments

I might resign if I can't go on SPRING BREAK 2008!

By Dalai Lama

Bio & Blog

By now you have heard my threat to resign if the violence in Tibet continues. Many are wondering, "Is he serious?" Well, I'm serious about one thing: blowing this curried lamb-skewer stand and heading to Daytona Beach for Spring Break!

Resign/reschmign! You can't resign from being the Dalai Lama. The bad Karma would swarm me like killer bees and devour my flesh faster than UV rays on the milky belly of a freshman girl. That reminds me: time to pack! I won't be taking a Speedo. I need a little breathing room. China's got my jewels in a vice grip. And I'm not talking about  Buddhism's traditional Three Jewels of Wisdom, if you know what I mean.

3/18/2008 3:57 PM, Dharamsala, India
6 comments

Stop the violence, start the funk

By Dalai Lama

Bio & Blog

Only love can conquer hate. – Marvin Gaye

dalai.jpgMy fellow Tibetans, I know China’s gotcha down, but you can’t make love with a rock in one hand and a torch in the other. (You can, however, according to the “Kama Sutra,” pleasure five women at once using a harness and all your extremities. It’s amazing what you learn being exiled in India for fifty years!)

Let’s not rise in anger. Let’s rise, instead, to the sweet sounds of the 1970’s. Back before primal funk was corrupted by corporate disco. Before gettin’ down became movin’ up. Before weed became coke.

3/17/2008 1:16 PM, India
login or register to post comments

Richard Gere is a pretty woman

By Dalai Lama

Bio & Blog

Richard Gere is really starting to piss me off. For someone who spends a lot of time cultivating awareness, he sure can’t take a hint. Take yesterday, for example. Dick comes over with the same old boring questions, like: “If time changes and enlightenment is absolute, how can a person be enlightened within time?”

richardgere.jpg

I mean, Buddhadamnit! I stopped asking those questions once I was old enough to milk a yak. The worst part was, I totally had plans to meditate into the fifth dimension and meet Nagarjuna for tea.

So then I offered Dick a Chili Cheddar Cheese Wrap, but he said, “No, Dalai, I’m a vegetarian, remember?” And I’m thinking to myself, “Wow, this guy really is bush league. Where did he learn Buddhism? At the Alicia Silverstone School of Cooking?”

I wanted to say, “Here comes the sound of one hand slapping your face, bitch!”

3/12/2008 4:05 PM, Atlanta
login or register to post comments

Nirvana no match for Wendy’s Chili Cheddar Cheese Wrap

By Dalai Lama

Bio & Blog

During my 70 years as a simple Buddhist monk, I have tasted the fruits of enlightenment. The thirst of my ego has been quenched by the sweet nectar of emptiness. However, as I learned after a recent speaking engagement in Houston, Texas, finding Nirvana cannot compete with the melty bliss of Wendy’s Chili Cheddar Cheese Wrap.

chilicheese.jpgI have dedicated my life to extinguishing desire. But now, whenever I reach deep peace while meditating, the Chili Cheddar Cheese Wrap creeps into my mind, whispering in Tibetan, “Yid ren chen,” which means, “I am hot and ready.”

3/7/2008 4:20 PM, New York
2 comments

Dalai Lama Email Alerts

feed This Blogger's RSS Feed

News Groper Weekly Email

Get the very best & funniest of News Groper in our weekly email newsletter.