I almost soiled my robe while reading a recent Pew survey on religion. It found that 53% of Buddhists in America are white! This dilutes the coolness of Buddhism, which needs mysterious Asian faces for its exotic appeal. Listen, white boys, I don’t go around worshiping Jesus and pretending to like Wes Anderson films, so don’t pee in my pool!

I’ll give the Buddha Crackers one thing: they’ve figured out that Christianity is B.S. Take Easter, for example. Is that bunny supposed to be hiding eggs filled with resurrected Jesuses? What’s the plural of Jesus? Damn, what a confusing religion. And so many rules! Buddhism only has four rules:

1) Don’t suffer
2) Clean your plate
3) “Two and a Half Men” is not funny
4) No crackers allowed!

It’s lonely without an ego. I’ve forgotten how to truly live. You know, walking on the beach, drinking a robust glass of wine, peeking from behind the curtains of an Embassy Suites to watch two slender American girls splash each other in a moonlit pool. Instant Dalai-wood!

Don’t get me wrong, I’m as celibate as a Mormon eunuch. But sometimes you have to put your vows to the test. Nothing evokes a battle with Mara, the evil one, like a whiff of cucumber body lotion on a Pilates instructor.

I just don’t get that kind of attention in Asia. Everyone there is a Buddhist or some other exotic Asian religion. But American girls get me. I’m the bad boy their parents warn them about.

Don’t worry, Mom and Dad, my danger-bits are shackled by the almighty Buddha. I’m just looking for a little companionship. If you’re an overly-educated white American female who supports a free Tibet and is willing to engage in a little aura petting, give me a call.
 

Sieg Heil, Chancellor Merkel! Lots of Lama love to you, my German dumpling, for announcing your boycott of the Bejing Olympics. Now that you've pulled out, come spend your wad of Deutschemarks right here in Dharamsala, India, site of the 2008 Lama-lympics!

Due to my testy relationship with those ass-cranks in the Chinese government, I can’t officially call for an Olympic boycott. However, no one said I couldn’t hold my own competition! Check out the line-up of events:

• Extreme Meditation. Competitors must keep their focus while being subjected to electrified nipple clamps and artfully-arranged pyramids of naked Swedish girls. (Currently seeking U.S. expertise)
• Speed Yak-Milking. Celibate monks take out their frustrations by stroking yak utters at a disturbing pace.
• Non-violent Hockey. The audience mindfully stares at an empty sheet of ice for two hours.
• Reincarnation Relays. Souls are passed from teammate to teammate as they race up a winding staircase. 

Well, well, well, China. Look who’s crawling back to Daddy Dalai.

Just a few days ago you were calling me a viper and accusing me of master-minding the riots. Now you want us to work together? Allow me to momentarily suspend my vow of compassion and say the following: suck it!

I mean, this is the biggest flip-flop since Madonna converted to Kabbalah. You’re so flaky that maybe we should hold our negotiations at the Pink Lotus Martini Bar in North Hollywood. Furthermore, you say you will only cooperate if I abandon the cause of Tibetan independence. Yeah right….I suppose Richard Gere will finally shave his girly locks and take a vow of abstinence!

I’m live-blogging Spring Break from da beach, my Dalai-Dolls. (I’m trying out new names for my fans.) I’ve had like, seventeen Gin Fizzes today. Those things go straight to your head. Good thing I’ve transcended my ego, or I’d have a wicked hangover tomorrow.

Normally I don’t work on vacay, but I had to respond to China’s recent verbal attacks against me. They called me “a wolf in a monk’s robe” and “a monster with a human face.” Then they blamed the recent violence on “the Dalai clique.” Are you, like, seventeen, China? Did someone snub you at the mall?

By now you have heard my threat to resign if the violence in Tibet continues. Many are wondering, "Is he serious?" Well, I'm serious about one thing: blowing this curried lamb-skewer stand and heading to Daytona Beach for Spring Break!

Resign/reschmign! You can't resign from being the Dalai Lama. The bad Karma would swarm me like killer bees and devour my flesh faster than UV rays on the milky belly of a freshman girl. That reminds me: time to pack! I won't be taking a Speedo. I need a little breathing room. China's got my jewels in a vice grip. And I'm not talking about  Buddhism's traditional Three Jewels of Wisdom, if you know what I mean.