Photo by spcoon via flickr

I received my new iPhone at 9 p.m., June 29, after three and a half days of meditation in line behind a blessed 17-year-old boy who made his fortune selling pictures of women’s feet over the internet. I could not possibly be happier with my purchase (unlike some others).

I suppose your fulfillment will depend on your reason for wanting one. I bought mine to bring communication at the temple into the 21st century. As it was, one of the monks in a neighboring temple would signal me with a 75-foot pyre of flame, and I would shed my mortal body and project my spirit to him across the astral plane. In the end, we decided that a two-year service agreement with AT&T required slightly less suffering.

I am only having one difficulty. I am unable to load Freddie Mercury’s magnum opus “Fat Bottom Girls” on it. If someone could please explain to me how to defeat Microsoft’s akusala, Windows Media DRM, I would be most grateful.