During my 70 years as a simple Buddhist monk, I have tasted the fruits of enlightenment. The thirst of my ego has been quenched by the sweet nectar of emptiness. However, as I learned after a recent speaking engagement in Houston, Texas, finding Nirvana cannot compete with the melty bliss of Wendy’s Chili Cheddar Cheese Wrap.

I have dedicated my life to extinguishing desire. But now, whenever I reach deep peace while meditating, the Chili Cheddar Cheese Wrap creeps into my mind, whispering in Tibetan, “Yid ren chen,” which means, “I am hot and ready.”

As Guru Rinpoche said upon founding Tibetan Buddhism in the eighth century, “Karma’s a bitch. A freckly, red-headed bitch wielding a bloated tortilla dripping with chili and cheese.”

In my next life, I will suffer retribution if I do not immediately step off the wheel of Samsara, which is fully greased, delicious, and always ready-to-go.