Richard Gere is really starting to piss me off. For someone who spends a lot of time cultivating awareness, he sure can’t take a hint. Take yesterday, for example. Dick comes over with the same old boring questions, like: “If time changes and enlightenment is absolute, how can a person be enlightened within time?”

I mean, Buddhadamnit! I stopped asking those questions once I was old enough to milk a yak. The worst part was, I totally had plans to meditate into the fifth dimension and meet Nagarjuna for tea.

So then I offered Dick a Chili Cheddar Cheese Wrap, but he said, “No, Dalai, I’m a vegetarian, remember?” And I’m thinking to myself, “Wow, this guy really is bush league. Where did he learn Buddhism? At the Alicia Silverstone School of Cooking?”

I wanted to say, “Here comes the sound of one hand slapping your face, bitch!”

But I didn’t. You know, because of the whole vow of compassion thing. I wish I had taken a vow of not listening to Richard Gere’s bullshit.