I almost soiled my robe while reading a recent Pew survey on religion. It found that 53% of Buddhists in America are white! This dilutes the coolness of Buddhism, which needs mysterious Asian faces for its exotic appeal. Listen, white boys, I don’t go around worshiping Jesus and pretending to like Wes Anderson films, so don’t pee in my pool!

I’ll give the Buddha Crackers one thing: they’ve figured out that Christianity is B.S. Take Easter, for example. Is that bunny supposed to be hiding eggs filled with resurrected Jesuses? What’s the plural of Jesus? Damn, what a confusing religion. And so many rules! Buddhism only has four rules:

1) Don’t suffer
2) Clean your plate
3) “Two and a Half Men” is not funny
4) No crackers allowed!

I hate to sound like an Asian supremacist, but Nirvana is not a rock band. It’s hard work. I’ve seen your test scores, white America. Get off the cushion and back on the skateboard!