I knew this day would come. It hurts to see you with another man. I know I took you for granted, sweet Dick, but did you have to embarrass me in public with all those cameras recording your filthy transgressions? 

What does Desmond Tutu have that I don’t? I know he’s not more spiritually endowed than I am. (We measured once at a Nobel laureate conference.)

Your therapist was right. You crave strong male spiritual figures to compensate for your father’s shortcomings. But do you really think you’ll find strength with a man named “Tutu?” And a Christian nonetheless! I never figured you for the type.

Well, you know what they say, “Once you go Christ, you’re always enticed.”

I shouldn’t have neglected you. Remember when we used to play “Buddha and the Bandit?” Those were good times. Come back to me, Dick.