The employment of prophylactics for purposes other than recreational coitus is newsworthy to only those with a tenuous grasp of ancient Indian history. Condoms have been at the core of superannuated Vedic society, whose members held the synthetic in the highest regard. This society, known as “the keepers of polymerization” (roughly translated), is an ancient Punjabi offshoot. Latex, like the bovine to the Brahmans, was never intended to make contact with the impure phallus.

The society and their customs have even found itself coming over to American shores. The common profession of the keepers of polymerization has been the operation of convenience stores. I face the manifestation of this antiquated latex worship in every day life — for example, when I must make the difficult choice of where to purchase a prophylactic device. In the face of rigid destiny, I choose the Krauzer’s on the south side of the street run by Pakistanis, with their inexpensive Trojans, as opposed the Indian-run 711 on the north side. The Pakistanis’ devaluation make their condom a bargain when one needs to stave off venereal diseases from DaVinciBabe1212.