News Groper's celebrity bloggers are on indefinite strike. While we negotiate (indefinitely), check out Easy LOL to follow comedians on Twitter.

Dan Brown’s Blog

Harry Potter and the lazy excuse for a bestseller

By Dan Brown

Bio & Blog

potter.jpg
Associated Press

If only I wrote children’s books with pictures. Then I could create craptapulous best sellers like that charlatan J.K. Rowling and her sucktastic Harry Potter and The Deathly Hollows. Honestly, it is a book intended for 6-year-olds read by pedophiles and idiots.

Every book is the same! Can’t those idiots see that? It goes like this: Harry goes to a “magic” school where people treat him like Jesus and some evil force tries to kill him. Then he says something in fake Latin while waving around a stick. And in the end everyone’s saved by the power of love. Blah Blah Blah.

How much time does JK Rowling take to research her books? Supposedly it took her about 4 hours to come up with Harry Potter. I went to Phillips Exeter and Amherst, prestigious New England institutions of learning. It was that New England upbringing that put my brain in motion for
Robert Langdon
(a true romantic and a gentleman). I spent 4 years studying the bible and ancient texts to even think of a name. That’s dedication.

Unfortunately I had to familiarize myself with Rowling’s material so I could informatively write about the topic at hand. I finished the nearly 800 page “book” in under an hour, while taking a short break from translating some ancient Greek ciphers. Spoiler alert! Harry dies of AIDS after becoming a heroin-addicted child prostitute on the German-Czech border. At least J.K. was a little creative with her ending.

7/26/2007 7:09 PM, Bethlehem
login or register to post comments

Dan Brown Email Alerts

feed This Blogger's RSS Feed

News Groper Weekly Email

Get the very best & funniest of News Groper in our weekly email newsletter.