To my fans,

First, there’s something I want to spew atcha.

You know I couldn’t do any of this without all of you, the fans. My fans are the reason I get up in the morning, eat a huge bowl of Cap’n Crunch and spend the rest of the day thinking about how to give my fans more amazing comedy. Dane Cook fans are the original, number one A-Team, B.A. Baracus fan base assemblage of humankind. If there was a town, a city, a borough that existed in the world that was called Fansville and it was the capital of Fannesota, Dane Cook fans would be the mayor, the first lady, the clerk of courts and the fan wrangler. The frangler. Hey, I was just thinking. What if there was a person whose job it was to just wrangle all the fans. A fan wrangler. He’d be all like “Hey, homeslices, are you guys fans or what?” And the fans would be all like, “Yeah, fire at will, superfriend. What you got?” And the frangler would be all like, “Because prepare to have the LIVING FUCK wrangled out of you.”

I just think up stuff like this all the time. It’s awesome. It’s a blast. It’s a blasty-blast of awesome amazement.

Here it is. Here is a thing that happened in the world. In America, the home of Americans. John McCain’s fans have been yelling mean shit at him. Just yelling. Just opening their mouths and propelling words through across the room at an elevated volume. With their minds and tongues and teeth, they are creating words for hurting. These words are like the pointiest Chinese throwing stars of mean shit and they are just flying. Pshoom, pshoom! Just flying McCainward. Mean words, McCainward. McCainward mean words. What the fuck, right?

Hey McCain fans, I have a question for you. A sentence that ends in a question mark. It’s this: What’s the deal, McCain fans? Why the not-fan-appropriate behavior? Why the hurting? Is there a deal, and if so, can said deal please be supplied to me? Fans aren’t for being hurt by, they’re for breathing in the amazing energy of, and showering with the universe’s most hilarious comedy. I should know. I have the best fucking fans in the world. Thanks for helping me live my dreams, guys.

Also, Louis C.K.’s fans are kind of dicks, too.

MAITC. MAITC for reals. (more amazing insights to come)