I don’t know whether anyone is thinking about making a movie about the Spitzer affair, but I’ve got some advice for anyone who is. 

The first thing you’ll need is a title. If I was making the film I might call it The Straight-But-Not-Vanilla Story, or how about Inland Emperor’s Club, or Erase-Him-Head?

 The title depends on your genre too.  For an action movie, you could call it The Terminated. For a B&W tear-jerker, Spitzer’s List; epic of manifest destiny, Albany Ho!; melodrama, The Lovernor; horror, The Ninth John; romantic comedy, Diamonds are a Girl’s Best Rating; sci-fi, E.T: The Ex-Terminator (“Eliot, be good. Phone home. Owwwcchh”). Thinking of a TV serial?  How about Peewee’s Dog House, The $4300, or Ashely Alexandra Explains It All.

When you’re casting the protagonist, if your budget is not huge, I’d recommend a guy called Mark Harelik.  You might have seen him playing the teacher who has nefarious sex with Reece Witherspoon in that movie Election.  Oh darn, thinking about Reece Witherspoon makes me want to meditate.

Anyway, if you have a substantial budget, you should probably get Gollum.  It seems to me that only a CGI character is really going to have the athleticism for the sex scenes.  But if you don’t have any budget at all, just watch Election.  It’s pretty much the same story.

For the female leads, I have to go with Lauren Graham as Silda and Alexis Bledel as Kristen.  It’s a dream ticket.  Think it over.  I really have to meditate now.