I feel that I need to address some concerns that some of you may feel about my visit to Berlin last year.

I hope you can believe me when I say that I do not wish to establish a fourth reich.  My friend Emanuel Schiffgens certainly misspoke occasionally during his inspiring oration, but he is a kind and gentle man, you must believe me.  

Our use of swastikas is strictly in the tradition of ancient hindu, buddhist, and jainist religions, not Nazi revival.  The swastika should be remembered for its original, beautiful symbolism of well-being.  Visions of goose-stepping jackboots and deathcamps tend to disturb one's focus when meditating for higher consciousness.

The truth is, I do speak fluent German (Ich habe eine Zitrone in der Mitte des Dorfes Institut, you see?) and our presentation was in fact designed to identify certain insurgent elements whom we believed had secreted themselves in the audience.

Everyone knows that there is nothing cultish or sinister about Transcendental Meditation.  All you conspiracy nuts can relax; the only shadowy global secret-government cabal running world politics for its own benefit that I know about is the Jesuit-Zionist-Freemasonic-skull-and-bones organization headed by the “Black Pope,” Hans Kolvenbach, tracing its origins back 13,000 years to the arrival of alien beings in Ireland who founded terrestrial civilization. And, of course, Willie Nelson:

The only way I have been able to possess the knowledge I have of this dark network without arousing their brutal forces of suppression is by carefully maintaining my public persona of avuncular kindliness.  I may have to go into hiding now.