Associated Press

Hello America. Have you heard the news? That wuss Dodd and that animal Joe Biden have dropped out of the race. Two down America. Two down and five to go. Did you see how many votes I got at the Iowa caucus? Zero baby! That’s right! The big goose egg! We didn’t get a single vote and those two pantywaists dropped out quicker than LBJ’s integrity! Get a backbone boys. Why don’t you grow a pair? One caucus and out. Pathetic. And Mike Gravel has to keep reminding people that he’s still running. That’s right America. “Who’s Mike Gravel?” Right?

Hillary’s next, America. She won’t make New Hampshire. You see me coming? The truth of Dennis Kucinich is going to knock that chick out of the race faster than Mitt Romney can change his stance on abortion. I’m coming!

Associated Press

Hello America! That’s right. You heard me correct. The Porn industry endorses me, Dennis Kucinich. Especially Hustler’s founder Larry Flynt. Larry Flynt loves the Dennis! He had a party for me and everything. Yes, Elizabeth showed her tongue ring for that one … and the other ring. You figure it out.

Yes, Obama got Oprah. Hillary has Bill, but really what choice does he have? But, I have the coolest. The porn industry America! Oh what a party. No, the press was not invited. But, when you’re re-enacting Caligula you don’t want Hannah Strom there judging.

Hello America. As you know I’m gunning for W. I have compiled a 50-page document listing all the reasons why the Everyman has to go. The bottom line America is that if this guy was running the company you worked for you would be freaking out.

If the CEO of your company walked up to the podium at a mandatory all company meeting and said, “There’s an old saying in Texas that says, fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice…you can’t get fooled again” everyone would have aneurysms.

Imagine if the guy who is responsible for your bonus, demanded you call him “The Decider.” Republican or Democrat, you would throw up in your mouth a little.

Hello America. The other night at the 9017th debate this month I was asked to ask a candidate a question. I chose myself. Why not? It’s my thing.

I ask myself questions all the time. Here are some more of them:

Question: Is it possible for every American to receive health care?
Answer: Yes.

Question: Is it possible to achieve world peace?
Answer: Excellent question Dennis. It will not be easy, but yes it is achievable.

Question: Does John Edwards cry in the shower?
Answer: Yes, but only on Thursdays at midnight. That’s his ritual.

Associated Press

Hello America. Do you want to know why I voted against the Patriot Act? Because I read it. That’s right America. I read it. I actually read. You think anyone in congress reads anything?

Nothing America! Congress reads nothing! Hillary hasn’t read anything since her Georgetown days, Ron Paul asks for the cliff notes on everything and Chris Dodd asks for the ciff notes of those cliff notes. Little John Edwards can’t read America! There. I said it.

Tom Tancredo reads only Mein Kampf and Ann Coulter’s books, but that’s repetitive.

Obama gets stoned and thinks he read stuff.

Duncan Hunter only reads US Weekly … on the toilet.

Hey, Hannah Storm, enough with the tongue stud. Enough! Yes. My wife has a tongue stud. A hot little silver number that can do absolutely excellent things to what I call my “Presidential Cabinet Members.” Yes, she’s 30 years younger than me, and yes I can keep up. Yes, she’s statuesque and would be the best looking first lady since Jackie O was making LBJ take ten trips a day to the Oval Little Boys room to “comb his hair.”

But enough! Elizabeth also has pierced the problem of world hunger. She worked for Mother Theresa’s charity in India. If anyone has ever cared more about World Peace and destroying this world of hunger, it’s my wife, Elizabeth Kucinich. And all you want to talk about is her tongue stud.

Associated Press

So Dick, you thought your days of Dennis Kucinich trying to impeach you was over, didn’t you Cheney? You thought I would run away like a scared little rabbit once there was a chance my “Impeach the Dick” proposal would be shipped off to the House Judiciary Committee. Oh no Cheney. Oh no. I am close. I am closer than 86 Democrats crawling up your keister looking for weapons of mass destruction.

You hear me Cheney? I am close. You hear that sniffing? That’s me Cheney. Sniffing under your armpits. Sniffing out the lies. What kind of deodorant do you use? It smells musky. In a good way.

I’m coming for you Cheney. I’m deep in the bush with war paint on and a jagged knife between my teeth. I’m waiting for you to peek your head out and sign another Haliburton contract.

Yeah I saw a UFO. So what? You haven’t? Big deal.

Here’s a list of other things I’ve seen:

• Big Foot high on acid jamming with the Grateful Dead in downtown Cleveland
• Jesus with a mohawk
• Elijah
• The original Cleveland Steamer
• A time share in Atlantis

In trying to gain more notoriety, I’ve been seeking endorsements from celebrities.

I got some good ones: Danny Glover, Sean Penn, Willie Nelson, Larry Flynt and creator of the Gardenburger, Paul Wenner. John Edwards can’t say that. I got the Gardenburger creator. Deal with it!

But, even though I have all these great celebrities endorsing me — hello Ed Begley Jr.!– the kids mostly don’t know who the hell I am. So, I checked out the MTV VMAs the other night to hook up with cool and hip and get the kids on the Kucinich train.

I’ve learned this:

Britney Spears is not the cool and hip to hook up with.

Associated Press

In fact, she needs to stop. Who knew that a 26-year-old blonde girl shaking around would be as exciting as a Bob Dole press conference? She phoned that performance in worse than John McCain at the last “Iraqi Freedom” Booster Rally. Those dancers around her were like W’s staff. Shaking and wiggling and kicking up a storm to do whatever they could to make her look, at least, mediocre. It looked like that MTV Sweet Sixteen show where the guest of honor decides to put on a dance for her 3000 guests, and even though it’s usually a train wreck at least it looks like she practiced a little.