It occurred to me the other day that I haven’t written a product review in months! The most recent was the review I wrote under my pen name Heather K. Adams, in which I famously critiqued the Hannah Montana Secret Star Hair Color Kit (3.5/5 stars). Well what better way to get back to doing what I love than by reviewing the product that has everyone talking: Mail Goggles.

 When I heard that Google had developed a program specifically designed to prevent the sending of electronic missives whilst under the influence, I felt I was a good candidate to put it to the test. See I’m just like you; once I’ve had a few spirits of choice, there’s that inevitable point in the evening at which I sit down at the computer to email death threats to poor people and youngsters. Perhaps Mail Goggles can prevent that embarrassing “oops!” moment the morning after?

Soon enough, I will be stepping down from my post as Vice President of the United States – one of the best jobs I’ve had in years. Before I go, I’d just like to offer some friendly advice to my successor, whoever she may be.

1) Don't sweat the small stuff - and it's all small stuff!

It’s like the title of that book Lynne and I keep in the bathroom. I've learned through experience that sweating the small stuff can have negative side effects on your health, such as: four heart attacks, severe atrial fibrillation, unstable angina, congestive heart failure, knee aneurysms, kidney failure, sleep apnea and athlete’s foot. The good news is that each time your sinister life flashes before your eyes, your soul will die a little more, making it easier to not sweat anything.

I shudder to think what kind of drug-fueled nose picking has led to the collective hallucination that somehow Joe Biden is the next Dick Cheney. I can only assume that the comparison has something to do with the fact that Joe and myself both get more ass than a toilet seat, but the similarities end there. I mean come on; Joe’s baby kill count is still at zero!

Biden is not the next Dick Cheney, but I’ll tell who is: Dick Cheney v2.

Isn’t he striking? Of all the clones I’ve had made of myself, he is the crown Dick.

Leave it to some fanatical left-wing hack factory like the Washington Independent to show me I can still be amazed by the absurdity of liberal media. This time they’re claiming my foreign policy is embodied by Batman’s Dark Night. It should go without saying, but this is pure, unfounded twaddle; my foreign policy is not based on Batman, it’s based on Disney's Adventures of The Gummi Bears.

Apparently, me releasing the missing six pages yesterday on this blog didn't quiet my critics.

I wish I lived in a world where people were open-minded and sensitive to each other’s feelings, a world in which a man can express himself as he wishes without fear of being judged and ridiculed. But sadly, such a world this is not.

No, in this world every time I try to be myself -- to really express my creative self -- the entire country gangs up on me. It’s like you’re trying to make me look like the bad guy or something. But what happened to the old dictum: “To each his own”?

Some people like to paint flowers or dress their cats in snowsuits; my way of creatively expressing myself happens to be illegally censoring official documents which I find contradictory to my personal objectives. I ask you: Is there really a difference?

Yes, it's true. I did tear out six pages of a damning climate report. But I did it to protect you! You don't want to be bothered from your puppydog tail lives with your candy cane fire escapes and gumdrop bushes. But since you guys are demanding it. Fine. Here are the six missing pages. (With neat graphics!)

Several months ago, a little bird told me Scott McClellan was writing a book about his time at the White House. I thought, hey, no problem, every ex-staffer writes a book about the what it’s like “inside the presidency” or some shit like that. Hell, ex-speechwriter David Frum wrote one already. And his was exactly the kind of book I like to see my old employees churn out—it even had “War on Terror” in the title!

Fuck!!!! Fucking Mississippi! Fucmoaijdsaatjliugdkaerjktakgaa

Sorry. That was my forehead hitting the keyboard. As you can tell, I'm a little upset about losing a House seat in Mississippi in this special election. I'm not sure how it happened. We spent more money, we got big names from Huckabee to Lott to Yours Truly to go down there and to top it off, it's fucking Mississippi! All a Republican needs to do to win an election down there is to accuse his opponent of being a Democrat!

And now all my maggoty buddies on the GOP blogs are saying we need to purge the leadership, that we can't beat either the black guy or the woman in the general election. Well, you know what I say to that?

Who says there's gonna be a general election? November's a long ways away, and who knows what could happen before then? Maybe another "terrorist attack" will force us to suspend the Constitution.

Finally, after a load of crap about global warming and crying polar bears, scientists have wracked their brains and fondled their calculators to come to a conclusion that most morons could have easily figured out by watching just one episode of the bitchfest known as "Countdown with Keith Olbermann": conservatives are happier than liberals.

According to the report, "right-wing individuals reported greater life satisfaction and well-being than left-wingers".

That's right, according to an NYU study, I'm much happier than a poor minority. And I very much agree, for once, with science. The group of pocket-protected virgin nerds go on to say that their study shows that conservatives "scored highest on measures of rationalization, which gauge a person's tendency to justify, or explain away, inequalities."

Well, I'm not sure about all that scientific gobbledygook, but one thing is for sure: I don't give a shit about the problems of most people, including my friends and family, and it pays.

Do you think I lose sleep in my vice presidential mansion worrying about how poor people will cope with the mortgage crisis? Nope. Do you think I spend time weeping quietly for the environment as I jet around the world on Air Force One? Hell no. And the clusterfuck over in Iraq? Shit, most days I forget that there is an Iraq. Every time I get handed one of those stupid memos that says that something exploded in Sadr City or a bunch of people got killed in Baghdad, I fold it up into a sweet paper airplane, draw some cool Air Force decals on it, and let it rip.

Don't get me wrong, there are certain very critical problems in the world that I care very deeply about. Like money. And how to get more of it. And power. And how to get more of that shit, too. But most problems that I hear about, like the economy, housing, and education, are simply not my problems. I have a shit load of money. I've got a bunch of houses. And as for education, I'm smart enough to get myself to the position of vice president, which means I'm smarter than you.