Finally, after a load of crap about global warming and crying polar bears, scientists have wracked their brains and fondled their calculators to come to a conclusion that most morons could have easily figured out by watching just one episode of the bitchfest known as "Countdown with Keith Olbermann": conservatives are happier than liberals.
According to the report, "right-wing individuals reported greater life satisfaction and well-being than left-wingers".
That's right, according to an NYU study, I'm much happier than a poor minority. And I very much agree, for once, with science. The group of pocket-protected virgin nerds go on to say that their study shows that conservatives "scored highest on measures of rationalization, which gauge a person's tendency to justify, or explain away, inequalities."
Well, I'm not sure about all that scientific gobbledygook, but one thing is for sure: I don't give a shit about the problems of most people, including my friends and family, and it pays.
Do you think I lose sleep in my vice presidential mansion worrying about how poor people will cope with the mortgage crisis? Nope. Do you think I spend time weeping quietly for the environment as I jet around the world on Air Force One? Hell no. And the clusterfuck over in Iraq? Shit, most days I forget that there is an Iraq. Every time I get handed one of those stupid memos that says that something exploded in Sadr City or a bunch of people got killed in Baghdad, I fold it up into a sweet paper airplane, draw some cool Air Force decals on it, and let it rip.
Don't get me wrong, there are certain very critical problems in the world that I care very deeply about. Like money. And how to get more of it. And power. And how to get more of that shit, too. But most problems that I hear about, like the economy, housing, and education, are simply not my problems. I have a shit load of money. I've got a bunch of houses. And as for education, I'm smart enough to get myself to the position of vice president, which means I'm smarter than you.