The White House briefing room has been given a long-overdue makeover recently, and I’m happy to announce some of the new features. The new chairs are sleek and ergonomically designed; Helen Thomas’ chair is specially crafted to conform to her withered, crooked spine. Behind the podium, where a simple blue curtain and White House logo used to reside, we have placed futuristic glass doors and two flat screen TVs. One TV will always be tuned to Fox News, the other will play Scarface on a continuous loop throughout the day.
Finally, we have installed some high-tech security features. For one thing, we’ll be implementing iris-scanning technology to prevent male prostitutes from gaining access to the briefing room. In addition, when questions become too critical or intrusive (i.e., ‘Does the president have a plan for Iraq?’), a thick, green smoke will descend from the ceiling, putting the entire press pool into a dreamless 10-hour sleep. Nobody likes a complainer.